A Very Bad Day and a Very Bad Week

Um, pro tip, just skip this post. Come back tomorrow. Good things will be on the blog tomorrow. These are bad things. I haven't had to post really bad things in a while (and for that I am grateful), but this is one of them. And I'm sorry. I didn't want to write this but I think he deserves it so it's written.

This is not typical, but I am turning off comments because I am presenting at a conference this week and I really can't be crying any time my email updates. Please do not reach out to me in other ways for the rest of this week and mention this post or tell me your sorry or any of those things that I honestly am so touched that you would want to do.

If you do want to make me feel better, without mentioning anything sad, just send me a hilarious picture/video/post or tell me a joke or just know that I'm having a super fun time at the conference and hug your animals close for me (but again don't tell me about it, sorry I'm just such a fucking crier. And I have to wear make up and not be running to the bathroom to fix it all the time you know? Gah I wish I could control this shit).

Goodbye Cooper

A little over a week ago, I was driving out to my lesson with my new trainer and I got a call from my dad. It was 7:43am.

My dad doesn't usually call me, so I immediately knew something was off. My parents' older golden retriever, Cooper, had collapsed the night before and had been rushed to the vet. Things were not looking good. They wanted to know if I wanted to come down to see him.

I didn't even think about it, I turned down the highway in the opposite direction of where I was going and two hours later I was walking into the vet clinic frantic. I did let potential new trainer know where I was going and why. She was very nice about it.

Years ago when he was young

I don't want to talk about the rest of the day. It was terrible. Cooper, who had battled and, we thought, beaten a cancer that would have killed him a year and a half ago if it hadn't been caught and treated, had been struck by the cancer again. In addition to having a tumor on his spleen (that we didn't know was there, he was going in for blood work in a week) rupture, he had thrown a clot overnight in his leg and couldn't walk anymore. It was absolutely time. Just twelve hours earlier he was running up to the barn, barking and playing.

For the first time in my life, I was present for it. I had to for this dog. He was my mom's dog but he was my dog too. I have heard of having a heart horse, and that is Rico to me. But if there's such a thing as a heart dog, well, so far, this dog is mine.

I didn't handle it well, but I did it for him and I do not regret it. He is the best dog. I miss him so much. I hugged my mom and my brother, I drove down to the ranch to hug Ruby and Rico. I rode Rico down the road and he was sassy and silly. I drove all the way home and hugged TC and Jade. It was a very bad day. It was a very bad week.

There are currently eight important animals in my life. Rico is the one I fear for the most, both for him in that I want his death to be one that is not traumatic, but peaceful. I want to know when he goes that it was the right time, not too soon or too late. I almost lost him before. I will have a very bad day for him. I will have a very bad week and probably for him, a very bad month. Jade is my sweet kitty and I should have so much time left with her but it will be a very bad day when I lose her, followed by a very bad week.

He and Rico had such a ridiculous relationship

Stretch will likely go soon, he should have gone a long time ago. I will have a very bad day when he goes and a very bad week afterward. Riot and Sunny have found their way into my heart with how much freedom they are giving my parents. Seeing my mom with Sunny makes me so happy, she's like a kid with a pony. My dad didn't ride for years before getting Riot, he has a back injury that makes riding very difficult. He loves riding. When they go eventually I will have two very bad days and two very bad weeks.

Xena is my kitty from when I was a teenager, I got her when I got Rico. She was found in a box on the side of the road and I took her home. She is the most cat-like cat I've ever had and I love her dearly. My mom decided that she was her cat before I moved out, so she didn't come with me. She's still my sweet baby girl even though she's twelve this year. When she goes I will have a very bad day and a very bad week. Ruby is my parents' younger golden retriever.

And TC. I do not currently plan on keeping TC to the point where I am the person who has to decide about him. I hope dearly that he finds a new owner that gives him the life that he deserves after he and I conquer what we must. Selling him will occur on a very bad day, and I will have a very bad week when I no longer have that horse with me. I'm sure when, eventually, he goes as well, it will sting.

Love this dog

It's pretty much guaranteed that for the rest of my life, I will have at least eight very bad days. Eight very bad weeks. Eight times that I have to adjust to the loss of an animal. Eight moments where I question if it was the right decision. Eight times where I ask myself if it's even worth all of this pain. And even though this week has been terrible, it's all so worth it.

I had so many years with him, so many wonderful moments. So many times I asked him to come here when he was already laying by me and he wiggled and barked at me as if to say "I'm already here!" so many moments where I asked him to speak and he'd have a conversation with me, so many times where I'd need a hug and he'd give me the best hugs. I'm glad that he didn't have to have any bad days.