The next day, I was in the same division with a hunter class and then a hunter undersaddle class. I decided to braid Flounder on Thursday night and he looked AMAZING for Friday. I mean, as amazing as one can look when one decides to rub out half one's mane reaching through the fence for grass sprigs.
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| LOOK how adorable he is, please note the butt wrinkles, the nose, and the sweet ears! |
I took Flounder over to warm up and once again, he was THRILLED to be at the horse show. But this time, the warm up was busy. It was set up in such a way that we didn't have a ton of space, they really had no choice in how to set it up as it was definitely the smallest warm up on the property. There were three fences with almost no room to go between them and then the rail had one and a half tracks between the edge of the standard and the rail.
That would have been fine and was the day before, but I ended up having a few incidents that triggered some deep fears in me, apparently. Flounder was FINE, but we got pinned on the rail once, had to slam on the brakes to let someone pass, and had some trouble figuring out how to get to the jumps with people in the way. I wasn't actually, logically afraid because it's Flounder, but my body slowly pumped full of adrenaline.
It came to a head when I was passing a jump at the canter and someone cantered up behind me and jumped the jump at the same time. I suddenly broke him to trot and felt panic flow through me. I wanted OUT of the arena. I went to Kate and she helped me remember that I was on FLOUNDER and not any of my green, spooky training client horses from years ago... It was okay.
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| I don't KNOW why I'm like this lol |
But it was not okay. I got into the arena and I had a similar round to the ones I had in 2010 when I was taking the young stallion around his first events while simultaneously working with a LOT of naughty/green horses over fences. I used to tell people that show jumping was my weakest phase and it was... but I didn't actually realize WHY it was my weakest phase.
Turns out I was having panic attacks in the show ring. And, now that I know what they are (thank you to the worst year of my life, 2018), I could correctly identify that I had another one on Friday at this show on Flounder. I can only describe it as feeling TERRIFIED despite there being absolutely no threat. Like I knew there was no threat, Flounder didn't do anything wrong, he jumped all the jumps and didn't stop or even shake his head...
But again I can't emphasize how terrified I was for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I had horrible tunnel vision and couldn't take any real breaths. I was shaking and basically only able to steer around the course, which felt completely out of control. Flounder is the best and he took care of me to the best of his abilities. Just like before, I made it around without forgetting my course or really doing anything *too* badly.
Watching the video I was just thinking "eh, maybe don't put him to nothing so much, Megan" but there was nothing shocking about the way I looked from the outside. And that's when it all came together for me, the realization that no one knew I was having panic attacks in the show ring because I genuinely just look kind of normal, or maybe a bit shitty but not unreasonably shitty.
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| Jumping around with Flounder wondering wtf is going on up there |
I come out of the ring shaking and honestly have almost no memory of what exactly happened between entering the ring and getting back to the barns maybe? I know based on the messages I sent to my friends and what I wrote in my journal that I resisted feeling what I was feeling and instead tried to deflect. Kate made me feel my feelings and walked me through some breathing exercises and helped me get myself grounded.
Pausing here I just want to say how much I appreciate Kate. It would have been easy for her, like my former trainers, to say something like "hey that wasn't so bad, don't worry about it! Try not to put him to nothing and keep your leg on, cool, have fun in your flat class and I'll catch up with you later." That would have been acceptable and it was what happened for a VERY long time with many different trainers. I didn't have words to describe what was happening to me and I had an ego like most young horse trainers did, so even if I did have words, I probably wouldn't have admitted it. This time though, my trainer is my best friend and even if she wasn't, she has an amazing ability to see through all the bullshit. I love that about her and this is why I'm choosing to come back into jumping now, because I can do it with her.
Once I'd calmed down, I opted out of my flat class, went back to the barn, and wrote down as much as I could about it. As much as it was very un fun to have a panic attack in the show ring, I had achieved my goal: I had information.
The only real difference day to day was the warm up and I had definitely felt it starting in warm up. With that realization in mind, I remembered that my last 3+ shows over fences (12 years ago) had insane warmups. Whether because my trainer put a fence up 6+ inches above where we were showing to "get him to jump the shit out of them" without telling me and instead we crashed through it, or because I was dodging other horses due to being on a stallion, or because I was being stretched in every direction with clients while my horse's owner watching from the sidelines.
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| The most adorable braided fish |
We opted to put me into a ticketed round later that day at the same height. I warmed up much better but was still full of adrenaline from earlier. I had a much better round with only a small amount of panic, but Flounder had lost a bit of faith in me and we ended up having a stop. I felt it coming from a mile away but that panicky feeling led to me not being quick enough to make sure he made it over. We finished the course just fine though!
Despite having a mental breakdown, I remained in pretty good spirits the rest of the day. I tried really hard to stay in the moment, not make any big decisions at the show. The purpose of the show was to gather information. If I crashed and burned the rest of the show, that was information. If I was able to bounce back, that was information. There was no reason to dissect the show until it was over. The only thing I had to think about was what to do for the rest of the weekend to gather the most information.
As we sat and watched the derby, I told Kate what I wanted to do: I wanted one of her kids to take Flounder around a jumper class in the morning and then I'd do the second jumper class.
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| Downtown Paso Robles is really cute! |
The reasons for this were:
1. I wanted Flounder to be guaranteed to have a confidence boosting ride and I knew I was going to be hit or miss depending on my warm up. If he stopped a bunch with me, who is to say it was me riding him to the stops or him saying "hey she was real shit yesterday and I don't want to play with her anymore"
2. I wanted to experiment with almost no warm up for myself, have him warmed up for me
3. I wanted to eliminate any issues we might have switching rings with Flounder sometimes being a little spookier in the jumper ring
I was VERY glad to do this because Flounder got a confidence boosting ride the next morning that set him right back where he was before I let him down. I'm so grateful that Kate's student was there, she is an INCREDIBLE rider.
As much as it was no fun to realize that I couldn't give him what he needed that morning, it was great to be able to confidently put the horse first with no concern for my once fragile ego. I have no goals in this sport except to have fun and while I have a lot of strengths, clearly I have this weakness that needs to be addressed. I'm putting my future horse first by working through it before I bring him into my life and I'm putting Flounder first by happily stepping aside to let him rebuild confidence with someone who can help him with that.
Tomorrow, I'll reveal how my last rounds at the show went!
