A Very Bad Day and a Very Bad Week

Um, pro tip, just skip this post. Come back tomorrow. Good things will be on the blog tomorrow. These are bad things. I haven't had to post really bad things in a while (and for that I am grateful), but this is one of them. And I'm sorry. I didn't want to write this but I think he deserves it so it's written.

This is not typical, but I am turning off comments because I am presenting at a conference this week and I really can't be crying any time my email updates. Please do not reach out to me in other ways for the rest of this week and mention this post or tell me your sorry or any of those things that I honestly am so touched that you would want to do.

If you do want to make me feel better, without mentioning anything sad, just send me a hilarious picture/video/post or tell me a joke or just know that I'm having a super fun time at the conference and hug your animals close for me (but again don't tell me about it, sorry I'm just such a fucking crier. And I have to wear make up and not be running to the bathroom to fix it all the time you know? Gah I wish I could control this shit).

Goodbye Cooper

A little over a week ago, I was driving out to my lesson with my new trainer and I got a call from my dad. It was 7:43am.

My dad doesn't usually call me, so I immediately knew something was off. My parents' older golden retriever, Cooper, had collapsed the night before and had been rushed to the vet. Things were not looking good. They wanted to know if I wanted to come down to see him.

I didn't even think about it, I turned down the highway in the opposite direction of where I was going and two hours later I was walking into the vet clinic frantic. I did let potential new trainer know where I was going and why. She was very nice about it.

Years ago when he was young

I don't want to talk about the rest of the day. It was terrible. Cooper, who had battled and, we thought, beaten a cancer that would have killed him a year and a half ago if it hadn't been caught and treated, had been struck by the cancer again. In addition to having a tumor on his spleen (that we didn't know was there, he was going in for blood work in a week) rupture, he had thrown a clot overnight in his leg and couldn't walk anymore. It was absolutely time. Just twelve hours earlier he was running up to the barn, barking and playing.

For the first time in my life, I was present for it. I had to for this dog. He was my mom's dog but he was my dog too. I have heard of having a heart horse, and that is Rico to me. But if there's such a thing as a heart dog, well, so far, this dog is mine.

I didn't handle it well, but I did it for him and I do not regret it. He is the best dog. I miss him so much. I hugged my mom and my brother, I drove down to the ranch to hug Ruby and Rico. I rode Rico down the road and he was sassy and silly. I drove all the way home and hugged TC and Jade. It was a very bad day. It was a very bad week.

There are currently eight important animals in my life. Rico is the one I fear for the most, both for him in that I want his death to be one that is not traumatic, but peaceful. I want to know when he goes that it was the right time, not too soon or too late. I almost lost him before. I will have a very bad day for him. I will have a very bad week and probably for him, a very bad month. Jade is my sweet kitty and I should have so much time left with her but it will be a very bad day when I lose her, followed by a very bad week.

He and Rico had such a ridiculous relationship

Stretch will likely go soon, he should have gone a long time ago. I will have a very bad day when he goes and a very bad week afterward. Riot and Sunny have found their way into my heart with how much freedom they are giving my parents. Seeing my mom with Sunny makes me so happy, she's like a kid with a pony. My dad didn't ride for years before getting Riot, he has a back injury that makes riding very difficult. He loves riding. When they go eventually I will have two very bad days and two very bad weeks.

Xena is my kitty from when I was a teenager, I got her when I got Rico. She was found in a box on the side of the road and I took her home. She is the most cat-like cat I've ever had and I love her dearly. My mom decided that she was her cat before I moved out, so she didn't come with me. She's still my sweet baby girl even though she's twelve this year. When she goes I will have a very bad day and a very bad week. Ruby is my parents' younger golden retriever.

And TC. I do not currently plan on keeping TC to the point where I am the person who has to decide about him. I hope dearly that he finds a new owner that gives him the life that he deserves after he and I conquer what we must. Selling him will occur on a very bad day, and I will have a very bad week when I no longer have that horse with me. I'm sure when, eventually, he goes as well, it will sting.

Love this dog

It's pretty much guaranteed that for the rest of my life, I will have at least eight very bad days. Eight very bad weeks. Eight times that I have to adjust to the loss of an animal. Eight moments where I question if it was the right decision. Eight times where I ask myself if it's even worth all of this pain. And even though this week has been terrible, it's all so worth it.

I had so many years with him, so many wonderful moments. So many times I asked him to come here when he was already laying by me and he wiggled and barked at me as if to say "I'm already here!" so many moments where I asked him to speak and he'd have a conversation with me, so many times where I'd need a hug and he'd give me the best hugs. I'm glad that he didn't have to have any bad days.

Sparklers and S'mores and Breweries for Breakfast

Ten days ago, my mom, my SIL, my bf, and I jumped on a plane way too early in the morning and landed late in the evening in Marquette, Michigan.

The reason for this trip was devastating to me. My grandfather passed away in March and we had his funeral in Marquette. We all stayed in his sister's cabin on Lake Superior and had a really amazing time. But his death hit me extremely hard and I'm still not over it. The funeral was very hard on me. 

But this post isn't about death or sadness, it's about an epic vacation with my family. My family does funerals right- we wait a long time so most people (read: not me) are feeling okay about it and then we party for a week. And even though I struggled, it really was fun. 

Grabbed some tipsy weirdos to make me a 2017 out of sparklers
on the 4th. They were chanting their numbers and giggling so I'm
surprised this came out so well. 

Lagoon! We had to walk over a bridge to get over this to the lake

Saturday we landed around 8:30pm. We had traveled all day, but the time difference is three hours, so it really didn't feel very late. I hadn't been to the cabin since I was a little kid, so only had vague memories of the place- the fact that you entered the cabin into the kitchen and that you had to walk along a little bridge over a lagoon to get over to the beach. 

Saturday night I mostly spent hiding from everyone after doing a little bit of exploring. After a long week of work and errands, all I wanted to do was sit by myself and read. So I did, because vacation.

Sunday was our first full day in Marquette. We started off the morning at a brewery for breakfast (er a theme, my family loves beer). I had blueberry pancakes and some eggs/bacon/hashbrowns. It was delicious. Following that, we all ran out to this amazing place where the owner had made all this junkyard art. I had a BLAST with that place. It was a half mile walk or so along a wide path (you could also drive or snowmobile) and every ten or twenty feet was a giant sculpture. They were incredible.

There was also what was called a Bog Walk, where we walked along planks in a mosquito infected swamp, FUN! But it was, I had bug spray on so no problems there.

Bog walk!

Downtown Marquette on the lake

After that, bf and I needed to go into town because there were a couple things we forgot. My aunt and cousin also wanted to go, so we jumped in the car and wandered around downtown Marquette. The first place we went was an old ice cream shop. Bf, who had slept in for the first time in eons and missed breakfast, got a sandwich, and the rest of us got root beer floats.

From there we split and bf and I predictably found ourselves in a bookshop. We managed to leave with only one book, though if I had remembered that my parents were driving back, I would have probably bought at least two or three. From there, we walked down to the lake to have a look around, then joined my aunt and cousin to go to the market to pick up food for dinner.

After dinner we spent the evening shooting off fireworks on the beach (which would become a theme). 

Walk out to Lake Superior from the cabin

Sunset (at like 10pm) on Lake Superior

Monday morning was the funeral and it was predictably a horrible experience for me (I mean it was lovely but like I said earlier...). I got through it (tyenol ftw- did you guys know that tylenol works on emotional pain too? It didn't keep me from being an absolute mess of a person, but it did stop my hyperventilating so that was good), and then we had a great lunch. 

After lunch it was lake time. Bf, an aunt, and I headed over to our local relatives' house and grabbed kayaks, then kayaked down to the lake from the river! It was AMAZING. Kind of scary because it kept feeling like it was going to tip over, but amazing. There were a ton of houses that backed right up to the river, which were fun to look at and imagine living in. And then just getting to the lake, wow. It really is amazing.

Once we made it to the beach to meet the rest of the family, brother, SIL, and I went out on floating things and laid around in the water. Then I came back up to join bf for a few hours of laying on the beach. Cue a mild sunburn for me and major sunburn for him, since we were pretty well clothed in the kayak and didn't put sunscreen on. Damn.

Kayaking

Tuesday was the last full day there and we had a day full of fun planned. First, a hike up Sugarloaf Mountain, where we were able to see a 360 view. I hadn't hiked in about a month, a hobby that seems to be taking a back seat these days, so it was great to get a good hike in. The view was also just beautiful. I'm always amazed by greenness in the summer! Everything is dead in California in the summer.

After the hike, we went out to a place called the black rocks. You could jump off of them into the lake, leading to some epic pictures! I wanted to do it, but we forgot towels and the lake was REALLY cold. Bf is stupider braver than I am, so he jumped in.

Back to the lake we went, and after relaxing a bit on the beach reading books and chatting, my dad and I decided to take my aunt's paddle boards down to the river where bf and I had kayaked the day before and try them out. They were SUPER fun and I actually REALLY want to do it again. My dad and I stayed kneeling just because the river water is... kinda brown. But I did stand up a few times, and when we got down to the mouth of the river (shallow area), my dad stood up too!

The view from the mountain (errr... "mountain")

Sparkler photographs were SUPER fun, this one is of me

That night was fireworks and s'mores. My uncle and cousin had maybe too much fun lighting them off, but no one was seriously maimed. I spent much of the night with sparklers playing with my camera, which was a blast. This last photograph is the best one, a self portrait (though big shout out to my cousin who watched the screen and told me if I was in focus- getting it in focus was SO HARD). And that first one of the 2017 was a little like herding cats but I still think it turned out cool despite it being a bit out of focus. 

Wednesday morning, my brother and SIL, and my bf and I zipped to the airport to catch the same flight to Chicago, and then different flights as we parted ways. My brother and SIL off to New Jersey to visit friends, and bf and I heading a little south west of there for a blogger meetup and vacation of our own...