Sudden Changes

This last week everything absolutely exploded at my boarding barn and I brought TC home to the ranch early on Thursday morning. I'm sure I'll expand later but for right now, my coping mechanism is to put the last six months at that barn behind me and focus on recovering from some things I didn't even know were affecting me until I took a breath after setting up his paddock at the ranch. I took the weekend off from social media and interacting with anyone except my family/SO and I'm now feeling like this is an absolute blessing in disguise. 

I have some amazing news too, so let's flip this post to some really positive things!

A different view!

On Thursday, I finally got my first vaccine!! It was a long time coming because I've been eligible (I work in education in my non-horse life) for a while and finally got an appointment. I had no side effects except a bruised arm, my second shot is on April 15th! 

My dad and sister-in-law are now fully vaccinated and my brother, mom, and myself are half way there. It's just the SO who needs his vaccine, but he's last on the list as he works in tech and has no preexisting conditions. Hopefully he'll get his in mid April and we are all looking forward to the end of May/early June for things to start looking more normal. Most of my friends are at least half vaccinated too! 

Speaking of the SO, we got notified that he got his green card! He says he does not recommend immigrating to the United States under Trump's presidency OR a global pandemic, let alone both at the same time (well, he came a year before the pandemic but the pandemic slowed the processing of the card way down). That was such a massive relief for both of us! It's been an absolute shit show getting everything together for it. 

This is probably a bit early to post about, but we are closing on our new house at the end of next week. Obviously things could still get derailed, but a lot of the things that we thought would derail it have been resolved. The house backs onto a bike trail that leads all around the bay and the house is centrally located so I can basically keep my horse in three separate areas without increasing my commute time, allowing me a lot of flexibility while I figure out where to go from here. We took our bikes (he got a new bike and fit me to his old one, which is now mine) up to the new house this weekend and had SO much fun out on the trail. We're super excited to move into it in May and start making it our own. 

Hanging out in his new paddock

And then there's the absolute light of my life, TC. Wow do I adore this horse. While things were going down, I briefly considered selling him and taking a break from horses. He's worth a lot right now and I know so many people would love to have him. It'd let me get away from some of the toxicity that having horses inevitably brings into one's life. But he's my rock and my best friend and the SO would not hear of it and reminded me that while some of the personalities in the horse world can be challenging, at the end of the day, what is important is the horse, and I have a great one. 

The ranch is not TC's favorite place, but I think I underestimated him, both how much my mental state was affecting him at our old barn (I would often get in the car and immediately start crying with relief that I was going home) and how much he's matured and become more confident in himself. I've ridden him three times there and have done a TON of clicker training for relaxation both undersaddle and in the barn, so he's feeling much better now. 

In addition, he and Riot are absolute best friends. I described them as two nerds realizing they were into the same nerdy stuff to my SO. On the first day, they were playing bitey face over the fence and TC would charge Riot and Riot would snatch at him. It was the cutest thing given that TC hasn't been able to play with another horse in about a year and a half. If TC stays there, I might see if they can be turned out together to play, although TC has back shoes (but he's never kicked anyone ever sooo we'll see). 

So far, TC has just the stall, porch, and paddock, but today we are expanding his area to be out into the pasture a bit more. He still doesn't love it that the horses all get to go out while he has to be in his paddock. The reason for that is that my parents use cable fencing and TC is a little difficult to house. He is respectful of hot wire though, so we can electrify the cable and potentially give him a big pasture as well. That will happen later when I make a decision on whether to keep him there somewhat permanently. 

Scrounging for grass blades!

Whether the move is permanent or just a stopover while I learn to breathe again and figure out where we go, who knows. On the one hand, my SO LOVES that TC is at the ranch now because he, my dad, and my brother (who is there frequently with my niece for babysitting and pony rides) get along super well and he loves the idea that he can come to the barn with me and ride his bike with my brother or hike up the hill with my dad or get put to work by my mom (dunno if he likes that, but my mom certainly does). The other great thing about TC being there permanently is that my parents have not been able to ride as much since Stretch died because they can't haul both of their horses out due to Rico being left all alone. 

But obviously, four horses is a lot and while my schedule currently allows for me to do a lot of the barn chores to "work off" board (I'm also filling the barn with hay and grain and riding my mom's pony for her so she will get back to riding him), my goal is to move into a new line of work in the fall where I won't have nearly the flexibility I have now (but will pay better, not need me to scramble to teach, and be a little more predictable I hope). 

I'm also a dressage rider and while I was able to earn my USDF Gold medal on Rico at that barn while I was in grad school, TC and I really benefit from a larger arena with mirrors, and a covered arena in the winter. He's a little tight and nervous there (though again with clicker training it's getting way better), so unless he gets back to normal there, it's probably best if we move to another boarding barn. But I'm happy to hunker down at the ranch for a bit, get my mom's pony going for her, get moved into our new house, and reset my brain a little bit. 

Retraining at the ranch, there's a lot to do

So, while Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday of last week were some of the worst days I've had in quite a while, things are now so much improved that I'm almost grateful that it went down the way that it did. If I hadn't had to move out 12 hours after I made the decision, I would have not brought him to the ranch and probably would have barn hopped for a while trying to find the right place. Who knows, really. 

This blog has always brought me comfort, more so than social media has, so I'm considering extending my social media break and just writing about how things are going here. So thanks for reading along and being part of the big deep breaths I'm finally able to take now!

WW: New Houses

TC finally got into a big paddock yesterday! After seven months on the waiting list and in a smaller paddock (12x36 feet total space), he's now very happy in his large paddock (50x75 feet total space).

And I'm very happy as well, this means that he's basically on auto-turnout (the turnouts are about the size of his paddock, it's California, we do our best) all the time, so I only have to go down to the barn when I'm riding him (4-5x/week), versus having to either get down there every day or pay someone to take him out. This is super helpful because I also am living in a new house (I mean I've been basically living there since early December but we made it official this month) which is a 45 minute drive from the barn.

He's right by the arena so he can watch all kinds of stuff
happening all day! And on the other side is the covered and a
tie up area, so lots of activity!

The happiest pony! It does have a stall, it's off to the right

Home Sweet Home

Yesterday I moved TC back to the barn that he was at when we moved to the Sacramento area last year! I think both he and I took a big deep breath when he unloaded from the trailer, we were home.

It was a long day, I worked in the early morning, had breakfast with Kate, then met with the BM to figure out, then had to go get fencing materials and put up a fence to keep him from climbing, then had a phone meeting that I frantically worked through to get a project off the ground, then picked TC, my trunk, and his hay up and then finally pulled into the barn. After I rode and got him settled, I still had to get his grain together, bag up hay, park my trailer, etc before getting home at 9:30pm and then getting up at 6 this morning to teach, ride, and commute to work. Summers are always crazy.

We're both so happy

Anyway, he DID move and get settled and we're both so happy!

First on my list was riding him in front of the mirrors. I'm so excited to have them, they made such a difference even in that first ride.

I noticed several things:
1) I really do carry my hands too low, they feel so high and yet, they are still very low
2) We cannot canter in a straight line down the longside anymore, but when we do, his canter feels amazing
3) He looks way more active than he feels in the trot
4) His canter feels way smaller than it actually is

Back in the cross ties and he immediately started
chewing on the chains, which I hate

We got a ton of work done. My back was sore because of putting up the damn fence so I did a bit of sitting trot but mostly focused on the canter.

The trot work felt great, he's still not 100% steady in the new level of throughness that I'm wanting him to have, but the mirrors made it super easy to see when that was lacking so I think he spent more time being at that level of throughness in our ride yesterday than he normally does.

I rode some shoulder-in and focused mostly on getting him to step into the right rein in both directions. It's so unbelievably obvious when he peels off those aids with the mirrors. He'll get hollow tracking right and stiffen tracking left, which I can feel to an extent, but the feeling + the visual from the mirror really drove it home.

Also wonderful cats that give hugs so then I get to work late

The canter felt SO GOOD. I am shocked that he's actually giving me such great moments of throughness at the canter, even tracking left. In fact, left is now better than right.

We worked on cantering straight at the mirrors, riding a slight shoulder-fore to work to engage the inside hind leg. He broke a few times tracking right but other than that, he tried really hard and even started setting himself up for changes that I wasn't asking for.

After that, we got down to business with the collection in the canter. It's really tough for him to collect his canter without either pushing back or getting stuck in the earth. I want energy and stretch over his topline while on a shorter step. So we did some work on that and he felt so freaking good when we got it. It's still a work in progress and we're taking it slow, but this is the beginning of the canter pirouette work, so it's important to get it right.

Happy pony

At the end, we did a little half step work. He's figuring it out! He mostly just gets short in his body and pushed back (like in canter) so it's all about teaching him to stay stretched over his topline and active with his hind legs without letting him get his step longer. Again, this is the beginning of piaffe so it's really important to get right.

He ended so well and we then wandered around the ranch. I love wandering around this ranch, there are so many random pathways that we can take where we can walk for 40+ minutes and not have to take the same pathway in the same direction (also my horse walks slow).

I'm SO happy to be back at this barn, it doesn't yet feel real. I am going to test ride 2-1 this week in the court, hopefully grab some soloshot footage (at home! yay!), and also spend some quality time with the mirrors. I'm also going to move my trailer over to the barn and keep it there (hopefully indefinitely) so that will be nice too.

I See The Light

Even though the lesson went so well, the next few days did not. I worked all weekend preparing for and then giving a pony club rating and that, for some reason, really exhausted me.

Happiest pony

 TC got both of the weekend days off, which is a bummer. I try to take advantage of the weekends when I have a more flexible schedule! But the rating ran later than I expected and by the time I got to the barn, I had zero energy to do anything but turn him out on Sunday night.

Monday came and I decided to sleep a little bit and go long line him instead of hauling him out. Unfortunately the round pen was super dry and super deep even right after watering. It was really a bummer, I ended up putting him away and vowing to come back with my trailer in the afternoon. My poor boss only got me for 6 hours (and then 2 hours that night to make up for it) before I zipped out to go ride TC. 

He has an enormous paddock (for now, poor guy will be in a
smaller space soon)

Upon getting there, I found that once again, TC was being fed the wrong thing. That made me feel that weird feeling you get when you're super angry but also acknowledge that you are absolutely helpless. I can't tell you how many times I've contacted the barn about this, I have never heard back from them about it. 

Right as I was about to mentally break right the hell down about the situation again, I reminded myself that this was temporary. I had texted the BO at my old barn and asked him if there was an opening (since it was July 1st), hopefully he would get back to me and say that there was. And what do you know, as I was teetering on the line between sanity and absolute shenanigans, a text saying that there was space at the end of July appeared. 

HALLE - fucking - LUJAH 

But, that's not until the end of July. And I still felt like I needed a change more immediately due to the barn's refusal to feed my horse what he needs to get fed. On Tuesday morning of this week, I stopped by TC's breeder's place to see if there was a spot I could have temporarily. And there was! So TC is, as of yesterday, hanging out at his breeder's barn until the end of July. Also can I just say, they responded immediately to my 30 days notice email.

Such a familiar view! I used to put him in this
paddock next to the arena to eat grain

TC is the happiest I've seen him since we moved back to the area! I don't know if horses can feel nostalgia, but he definitely seems to. He unloaded and sniffed the road like a dog for a while, then took a deep breath. I immediately put him in his temporary paddock, which backs up to a pasture where his childhood babysitter lives.

That horse came over and TC regressed further. He bit his face and butt a few times until BFF decided to walk away and stand with the other horses and just watch TC. TC was NOT OKAY WITH THIS. He started galloping away from them, trying to entice them to play, then trotting back all angry like. He did this until I decided to take him out to ride him before he exhausted himself. He lost a shoe in the process but his back feet don't actually need shoes unless we're trail riding tbh.

Mad his childhood bff won't play with him

I longed him and he was a bit distracted, but totally relaxed. Same thing undersaddle. He was so good though, no spooking, no bolting, no bucking, NOTHING. The worst thing he did was pop his head up  to look at something a couple times.

Same thing this morning! No noise muffling bonnet necessary. I had to grab a whip to borrow and I need to remember to bring my spurs tomorrow!

It's beyond amazing to immediately have my horse back. I'm stoked to be able to start rebuilding the last nine or so months and am REALLY EXCITED to start sleeping in past 5:30 when I want to ride. No more hauling over to the ranch unless we want to. 

Immediate Solutions and Future Options

Alright, so we've decided now that TC needs to leave this barn. I'm bummed about it, but trying not to focus on the negative side of leaving the barn. Instead, I'm figuring out where to go. There are some options:

1) My old barn

I've been on the waiting list at my previous barn in the area since December and no one is budging. On Friday, I let the owner know that I would be happy with a smaller paddock (and I'll just hold my breath and make sure he's put on the turnout schedule). Nothing yet but hopefully something opens soon.


2) Trainer's barn

My trainer's barn has openings in the large private dry lots (to use an east coast term, very large paddocks for west coast terms, these things are huge). They are on a hill, which makes me nervous, but hey, he's probably okay. The downside is this: They cost $300 more per month than I'm paying now AND I have to take weekly lessons. Granted, I don't have to pay haul in fees for lessons and would double my lessons, but it's still an additional $450/month or so that I'd be paying (not to mention that it's 3x the drive of my current barn so I'd have to add an increase in gas into that, though it is right near work) and at least at this immediate moment, I don't want to do that.

Remember when he was just a wee baby horse showing at
Training level? All those shows were at my trainer's barn

3) TC's Breeder's Barn

This barn may have an opening, I haven't yet just checked. The upside is that he's obviously very happy there, it's also very inexpensive. They also don't require 30 days notice, so I could put him there and immediately move him to my old barn the second there's a spot without paying double board. Downside is that I'll be taking a step down in amenities. The arena is small and the footing isn't great. It's fine, but that combination will probably make him extra lethargic.


4) This Other Barn I Haven't Talked Much About

I like this barn a lot but TC has only been there once as a 3yo (and was a nut) so I'm weary of moving to a barn where he essentially hasn't been before. But there are mirrors and an actual dressage court, so that's huge. Definitely an option if I can haul in a few times and make sure he's okay.

My old barn, I miss it even more now!

Honestly, I'm feeling very stubborn and just want to move to my old barn and high line TC between two trees with a bucket of water and then encourage people to leave by telling them that the barn is haunted (perhaps by haunting it myself, definitely an option).

Luckily, TC only seems to be really upset at the current barn if he's working, and he doesn't seem tooo upset if he's being long lined with the clicker and lots of praise. So I figure I can long line him there and then haul out to ride.

By moving my trailer to the barn (which I have avoided because it costs extra money and it can live under cover at my parents' place, so that was important in the winter), the difference is really only in how long it'd take me to haul to wherever. My old barn, his breeder's, and my parents' place are all within 20ish minutes. That's 40 minutes extra per day to ride him, so it is even doable on the weekdays if I got up an hour earlier, which is a possibility for a while, especially in the summer. I can probably swing coming into work a bit late on those days too.

Side note, is it weird to buy this welcome mat for my trailer,
not because I need it but because it's true?

My plan is this:

Begin hauling out for dressage rides. Try my parents' place first, since I can go there for free. I heard from my old barn's owner that I could haul in whenever he was there, so I will be arranging a time for that.

If I have to pay for hauling in 3x/week (which I think is the least amount I'd like to do, 3x/week dressage rides, 1x/week trail ride, 1x/week long line), it's still cheaper than moving him to my trainer's barn. Though it is more driving because my trainer's barn is on the way to work.

This obviously couldn't be a permanent solution, but I'm super hopeful that someone will leave my old, haunted barn and a spot will open up.

My blog is off by a day or two, I've already
done this, post tomorrow

When that does happen, I have plans to treat him for stomach ulcers just in case. He hasn't shown any signs of them, but just in case. In the mean time, I ordered a supplement to help his tummy feel better and his noise muffling bonnet is coming so he can wear it while we do ground work at home.

I'm hoping all this works out and that he feels back to normal soon. I really do love this horse and feeling him return to me last week was the major push I needed to bite the bullet and decide to leave the barn.

Another Change of Scenery

I'm fairly certain that by now, TC is convinced that my purpose in life is to ruin his. Yesterday, we moved barns! I won't go into details as to why, but there were some things that weren't sitting well with me (including the fact that on Monday morning while I was riding this week, my car was "broken in to" by someone going to get my keys out of my trunk, opening the car, and rolling down all the windows... um, okay).

"I hate you" - TC

Anyway, I'm really excited about his new digs. For the next two days he's hanging out in a small-ish paddock, then he'll go into a comfy 12x12 stall and a 12x24 paddock with an overhang. Perfect timing as it's right as we get an atmospheric river dumping on us. Then March 1st (or after that if the rain doesn't let up) he will move to a giant 48x60' paddock outside!

This barn was on my list but I had ruled it out due to low rafters in the covered arena. My horse is 16.2h and has a big buck in him, I don't want to die. I know logically he probably can't get me close enough to them but I still feel really freaked out by them, but when the weather clears, I'll be able to ride outside so it won't be an issue. In the mean time, we can longe in the arena. So if I do think that he's feeling bucky, I can just long line him. A light month or two is not a big deal in the long run, and at least here my car won't get fucked with.

Grazing

TC is of course being a complete nitwit about moving. I long lined him yesterday and he was predictably stupid, then I put him in the cross ties for a few hours because he was annoying me and he reared and pawed and reared and pawed. I think I'm going to take this as an opportunity to work on his manners. It frustrates me so much that he's such a jerk sometimes. Generally while being handled he's good because I do really value ground manners, but the horse has no patience.

It's tough because I work full time plus have my second job, so I only get a small amount of time with him each day. If I'm paying attention to him, like brushing him or tacking him up or even just staring at him, he stands like a rock in the cross ties. Luckily this barn comes with an added bonus: Kate. So I'm hoping that I can pay her or one of her kids to take him out every afternoon that I'm not working from home (aka working from barn while tormenting my horse) and tie him up for an hour or two.

When you return from your ride to find... wtf

Unfortunately the stress doesn't stop with just the low rafters and my mannerless horse. I technically have a lesson this Friday with my trainer. I'm kind of thinking that I might hand it to someone else or try to take it on a different horse. Not that TC will be any better at home, I guess I should just buckle down and go. She only comes once a month and even just having 45 minutes to chat with her about planning this year out would be good. I dunno. So much change right now, I'm over it!

Last Day

Today is my last day of work! Monday I start my new job and I couldn't be happier about the prospect of rolling in on Monday morning (except there's so much paperwork...).

I will miss it here

Despite work being generally kind of shit the last 9.5 months, lots of good did come during those times, and I want today to be a positive day, so I'm going to list everything I can think of that happened.

- I bought a horse trailer!!!

- As such, TC learned to load into a straight load

- And we went on a lot of adventures, including several new facilities

- I started riding with Tanya

- TC and I competed at First level with scores to 73%

- We won All Breeds too!

- I restarted CrossFit

- I made a bunch of new friends

- And became way closer with some old friends

- I worked to increase my client base and was fairly successful

- Along those lines, I published a website, facebook page, and instagram for my business (with the help of my amazing friends)

- I learned that I'm stronger than I think (physically, emotionally, mentally) but that I also don't have to put up with bad situations even if I am capable of putting up with them

- I learned that despite hating my job, I really do love this industry and want to stay in it, even if it means moving

Especially here

Most of all, I learned that 40 hours a week is a lot to give away to someone who doesn't deserve it and that money doesn't buy happiness (but it does buy horse trailers which can be used to transport happiness though).

I'm really excited to make things work on the coast with people who deserve my 40 hours a week, despite being really sad to be leaving the Sacramento area. I really do love it up here and hope to be back to visit A LOT.

To The Coast

The move has been weighing on me for over a month now. I've been running my budget over and over again, making cuts and then adding in miscellaneous expenses when I think I've cut too much. I've been talking to every facility about boarding, various apartment complexes about living there, and have started researching new crossfit boxes.

Every weekend pretty much, I've driven down to the area to see places to live, visit barns, and even visited my coworkers and boss (two separate visits) at one point. It's been a LOT of work to try to find affordable (but safe) housing in the area and to pick between the barns. But I think I'm close to solidifying those plans. Will talk more about that when I actually move!

Much closer to the best lawn mower in the world

Generally I'm really excited, but I've mostly been feeling stressed about the whole thing. I keep having to remind myself of the positives though, I think it will be a good move for me though, for a variety of reasons:

- I can stay in my industry that I love so much (the industry is so small that it was going to be at least a year before I could find another place to work up here that would work for me)

- I get to leave this horrible job

- I feel like its a 99% guarantee that I'm going to enjoy my life 40 hours a week since I loved that job so much

- I get to get away from my terrible boss

- TC will get to be back at the barn where we were doing so well at (eventually) where he can be in a giant paddock and always have good footing under him

- I don't have to worry about someone crying, gossiping, having a tantrum, being really inappropriate, or sabotaging my career anymore

Much closer to this place so I can take pretty pictures of it

- I still get to ride with my trainer

- I don't have to drive 2+ hours each way to most of my clients anymore

- I will be lined up perfectly for a promotion in the next two years

- I get to be closer to my family, including my sister-in-law and brother who will be having kids soon!

- Have I mentioned how much I hate this job I'm currently working?

- I get to live near the beach and super close to some amazing hiking trails!

- I get to present at a ton of conferences

- My friend from grad school is also moving to the bay area so I get to see her a lot too!

- I don't have to be at this job anymore.

So much closer to this little dog too

There are negatives, obviously. I will miss everyone up here so much, I will miss not depending on my teaching income to survive, I will miss my crossfit box, I will miss seeing my trainer as often, I will miss my coaches.

But I think this is as close to an ideal situation as I can get. I just need to hustle with my business but still remember to enjoy living by the coast!

Hold Back the River

Yesterday I gave two (well, three) weeks notice at my horrible job.

In early January, I will be reinstated at my former workplace, though in a different (better) position.

The last month and a half has been kind of insane going through the motions of doing this. Sorry about how long and uninteresting this post is. Tomorrow I'll talk about applying what I learned from Alexis with TC, so hold on!

I'll miss walking along here, but at least I will have beaches

When I took this job, I thought it was the best of all worlds. I was still in the field I loved, but being paid more and being able to live in a lower cost of living area. Everything seemed to fall into place perfectly.

The first week on the job was good. I was given some good training on the databases, given some easy reports to fill out, and promised that the work would pick up and that I'd have so many opportunities and be involved in a lot of really cool things at a higher level than I'd ever been at before. My boss took me out to lunch and we chatted merrily, turns out that her daughters and I have similar tastes in music. It wasn't my old job, which I loved, but it seemed like it'd be doable. You don't have to be completely in LOVE with your job, right?

Little things happened that week, like I noticed the lack of meetings in my calendar, the way my boss told me that everyone was "so nice" but then gave me these weird just between us looks after saying it, and the way my coworkers seemed to interact with each other. Things seemed... off. But I wrote it off as me being a little sensitive to change, me being homesick (not even homesick since I loved and still love where I live, but work-sick).

TC has come so far being up here

The second week got kind of weird. We were scheduled to go to a conference where I was presenting with my former coworkers. This was something everyone knew about. But my boss got... jealous? She loudly complained in her office to my other coworker that I wouldn't want to hang out with them. I went through the conference schedule and told her what I wanted to go to since that's polite, you know. I was going to be in charge of some federal reporting and there was a session on that. I was told not to go because we were "boycotting" that presentation. The person presenting on it had apparently not asked my boss to help her with it... uh okay.

During that second week, the tantrums started. She slammed on her keyboard/mouse and swore loudly whenever something didn't go her way. One of these things that didn't go her way was updating from Windows 8 to Windows 10 and the colors changed in one of her word documents. She cried in her office for a couple of hours one day for some unknown reason. My calendar was bare as ever, I don't think I said two words to anyone that entire week outside of my boss.

Things were so bad at the conference. I am not the most social person, but I do know the power of networking and I was chatting to someone after their presentation when my boss was waiting for me in a corner. She then rolled her eyes at me and left, complaining loudly to my other coworker when we sat down at lunch that "Megan doesn't want to hang out with us, she is only here because she feels obligated to sit with us as lunch." It was probably then that I realized I'd entered an office run by a thirteen year old. Actually scratch that, as I think that a lot of Kate's young students could do a better job running this office.

This path is so nice to walk along

The insecurity and paranoia didn't get better over the last nine months. I am not allowed to write emails to anyone outside of our office without having my boss proofread (and even then, I can count on one hand the number of emails I was allowed to send). There was an entire month this summer where I had no work to do because my boss said it was easier for her to just do it. Her interactions with my coworkers started to affect me. I heard her yelling at one of them, but she weirdly gets walked all over by the other coworker. He refused to do something she asked him to do during a meeting, instead rudely thrusting it upon me saying that I knew how to do it. She came to me and apologized for his behavior but asked me to do the work anyway.

The emotional manipulation is insane. One day she locked herself in her office and cried all day because someone sent her an email asking her to clarify some methodology we used. She often gets a pretty offensive, making fun of another coworker who she thinks is gay, making hand gestures to mime slitting her wrists when she gets an email she doesn't like, telling people she should kill herself because everyone hates her. It all seems to be in a joking tone... but it's really kind of upsetting to hear on a regular basis.

Standing up to her is hard because she cries so often. I have tried, though. She came into work sick several times, getting me sick each time. Since I do crossfit, ride, and teach in addition to working 40 hours a week, I just can't afford to be sick all the time. I finally addressed it one day in early November after she came in sick and had put her hands on my shoulder... I sent her an email saying that since she was sick I was going to stay home. I did not put in for a sick day. I am not using my sick leave to get away from her. She was super insulted and she did not talk to me for a full week after that but instead gave me dirty looks and stormed past my cube regularly.

What a pony

It's not even just that my workday is unpleasant (I mean, it is). I can deal with difficult people. What I can't deal with is how it's going to affect my career. First, no one really respects her. I regularly hear "oh... are you doing okay?" when I tell people I work for her. I don't like to be associated with her and definitely feel distance where there was none with coworkers from other departments.

Second, she seems to deliberately keep me in the dark about what work our office is doing and the industry in general. I'm still somewhat new to the industry and have previously relied on my supervisors and senior staff to be kind of mentors for me. She will have webinars, be on listservs, and receive information about our industry that she will not share. I've also been at several regional meetings (since I do not go to meetings at my workplace but I have remained on the list for these regional meetings) where she has revealed things that "our office is working on" that I had no idea we were doing.

Third, I am not getting the opportunities she promised. She hates conferences so she didn't let me go to the ones that I had clarified I'd be able to go to in the interview. She tells me "we don't do that here" when I talked to her about publishing or presenting findings from a study she then wouldn't let me do. The work has not picked up (legit haven't had anything to do in months) and I still don't know anyone here.

Really going to miss this barn

It's because of this that I feel like I took a MAJOR step back in my career coming up here. I started looking for a job outside this field, but the idea of leaving it is really awful, I really love it. I don't work just to get money to spend on horses (that's only 90% of the reason I work), I work because I fucking LOVE my job. Or I did.

I looked into other colleges in the area and in other areas. There are some, but they either pay too little or will take me too far away from where I want to be. And honestly, the idea of risking going to another toxic work environment was kind of terrifying.

My previous boss has been amazing this whole time. I texted him immediately when I knew it wasn't working and he sent me a ton of jobs, allowed me to pull him aside at that first conference to bitch to, sent me information about webinars he thought I should listen to, kind of kept me in the loop as far as the industry goes because he knows my boss won't. He's checked in on me regularly and genuinely cares that I am not in a good situation.

And my house

When he posted the three jobs that have come available in my previous office (one my old one, one another coworker had left, and a new grant funded one), I had to hold back tears. My boss immediately ran out of her office to gossip about how my previous boss was not going to be able to find anyone to work in those positions because of the pay scale. I mean sure, the cost of living over there is insane and there really isn't any way to save for a(n extravagantly priced) house in the bay area when more than half your income is going to rent.

I messaged him and told him that I volunteered to do two of the jobs for double the pay. I still couldn't make rent and have my horse over there on that salary alone. I acknowledge that without the horse, I would be able to do it... but what is life without riding? Surely riding is more important than this job.

Such an amazing place

Meanwhile in the background, my business is actually happening. I'm not in high demand or anything, but I have several very regular clients and every month I seem to have a few more than the previous month. My clients have said several times that they wished I lived closer, they want weekly lessons, they want me to do training rides.

One day I got 3 hours of sleep and woke up doing the math. I need 20 lessons a month to be equivalent to how I'm living now (taking into account the increase in rent and slight decrease in pay) and only 10 to "survive" (aka no debt). I talked to my clients and they gave me 18 immediately. Two of them promised to spread the word. Kate was really amazing in this and offered me a clinic at her barn whenever I was short.

I talked to my previous boss. Should I come back? Uh, yeah. Can I come back at a higher pay scale? Yes. Can I work from home sometimes? Yes. Does he have any overtime for me? Yes. Can he help me find contract work? Yes. Can I go to the April conference and present in November? I've already signed you up to present in April, you have to automate all of these reports first though, no one has been able to do it. YES this is exactly what I want.

In addition, a salary study is going on now so the pay should go up. And he will be getting a director under him and that position is as good as mine, though obviously no promises can be made.

Going to be way closer to this place now though

And so, yesterday I gave my two (three-and-a-half due to the holidays) weeks notice. My last day is January 4th. I start at my new job on January 7th. She immediately retaliated by shit talking me in her office so loudly that I could hear. I have nothing to lose so I went to HR today.

I already have a ton to do at my new job. I have a presentation to prepare for, I have to update all the reports that no one updated since I left, I have several meetings to go to, I have to automate several reports... and that is day one. Day two involves an insane plan to undercut a company that charges a half million dollars to do what I think I can do with R. It's a lot, but I am so so excited to be back.

It initially felt like retreating or taking a step back to come home to my former place of work. But really, it was a step back to come here. I'm excited for my career again and excited that I don't have to deal with such dysfunction anymore.

Hoping to take this guy on some trail rides this
year without having to drive as far!

Now to get everything organized! I will post about the move soon :)

Barn Hunting

As I mentioned before, I'm thinking about moving barns. Well, now I am moving barns, for different reasons that I will reveal later. But we are still moving and I need to figure out where to go. I'd REALLY appreciate some help here, because I'm honestly not sure.

Here are my wishes:
- covered arena with good footing and mirrors, preferably full size dressage court or larger, no jumps or longeing inside, also no rafters, it freaks me the hell out for some reason. I need a smaller horse or one that doesn't buck like an asshole in the winter.
- trails or at least a large enough facility to do a few laps
- trailer parking
- my trainer comes to 2-3 barns in the area once a month, it'd be ideal to be at one of those barns
- affordable (I'd love to stay at like $600ish, less is obviously better, more is... doable... but the more it costs the more stress for me, yay)
- large paddocks (I'd really like him in something the size he has or bigger, he's in a 12x48 space right now and it's probably the smallest I'd want him in)
- private tack locker or the ability to bring one in
- outdoor riding space with good footing and no jumps, preferably an actual court set up
- cavallettis to use on occasion
- I can teach there (so if I wanted to offer short/long term training, that'd be an option without having to travel to more than one barn)

Like I was in TC's first horse show in 2017, I am also
very confused

Here are my options:

Barn A
Cost: $620 with trailer parking

Pros:
- big paddocks
- private tack space
- my trainer goes there
- dressage court set up outside all the time
- multiple outdoor arenas with no jumps
- covered arena with good footing and mirrors
- no trails but large barn to wander around
- round pen
- trailer parking

Cons:
- I can't teach there
- WAITLIST D:

I want to be at Barn A for sure. I'm on the waiting list and they know me and they want me there, but they just don't have room.

You may recognize Barn A since I've ridden
baby TC there before, also grown up TC too

Barn B
Cost: $700 with trailer parking and grass hay

Pros:
- lots of space to walk around
- gallop track
- hills to condition on
- big paddocks (the one that is open is 36x36 or so)
- giant covered arena with amazing footing
- unsure if I can teach there but there is no dressage trainer so maybe??
- round pen

Cons:
- shared tack space (and it's like... kinda messy, it made my type-A-ness turn on and start bitching immediately)
- no mirrors
- my trainer doesn't go there
- outdoor arenas are kind of... not mine to ride in. I'd have to ask the jumping trainers if they're okay with me riding in there each time and I can't touch the jumps (which are prolific, so soloshot is tougher to use)
- no cavallettis, though Kate says she can find me some for cheap if I wanted to bring my own

Barn B comes with cute cats

Barn C
Cost: $400-450ish, haven't talked to them

Pros:
- big paddocks
- outdoor arena with no jumps
- cavallettis
- my trainer goes there
- round pen

Cons:
- shared tack space (though they might be amenable to letting me have my own space)
- footing isn't always perfect
- covered arena has low rafters <= this is so scary to me for some stupid reason
- no court
- no mirrors
- no hills/not a ton of space to wander



Barn D
Cost: $750 not including training or trailer parking

Pros:
- covered arena with good footing and mirrors
- trainers are there (not mine) who I could ride with
- hosts USDF shows
- outdoor dressage court with excellent footing
- eurowalker
- big paddocks (but they are on a hill)
- trailer parking
- the only barn that is actually close to my work/house vs being a 45 minute drive away

Cons:
- requires training (this plus board would probably cost more than my rent)
- not as much space to wander around
- shared tack space
- no round pen

^ I do want to keep this one in mind for the future, I love my trainer but if I could afford it, I'd come here and have weekly lessons with the trainers (I do like at least two of them) in addition to riding with my trainer once a month. I'd then starve to death because I don't think I'll ever make that amount of money!

TC and I have had lessons at this barn before! Wow he was so
downhill as a barely-Training level horse

Barn E
Cost: $680 including trailer parking

Pros:

- outdoor dressage court
- another outdoor arena

- covered arena with mirrors and great footing

- cavallettis

- I can teach there

- my trainer goes there

- round pen

Cons:
- very small paddock (probably 16x16), potential for large paddock if the owner splits this one pasture up a bit

- shared tack room space

- small barn, not a ton of places to wander

Barn F
Cost: $530 with trailer parking and grass hay; $630 with that + eurocizer

Pros:
- giant fields to ride in with gallop track
- covered arena
- can add eurocizer for $100/month (not sure what it looks like or how often it is)
- some large paddocks (24x48) not sure if they are available
- outdoor arena for soloshot
- can probably teach there
- round pen
- unsure about tack space, but they seem chill enough to allow me to bring in a locker myself though

Cons:
- no mirrors
- there's only six stalls with big enough paddocks for him (48x24), need to talk to them about getting on the list for one (they all seemed full when I stopped in)
- I didn't adore the footing the last time I was there but they have put in a lot of work in there
- trainer doesn't go there
- no hills

I have tormented TC at Barn E before

I am so torn here since each barn seems to have one or two things I REALLY like and one or two things I REALLY don't like. So now it's about priorities.

I'm feeling like mirrors and the ability to use my soloshot are really key things to being able to feel like I'm still making progress since I'm going to drop down to riding with my trainer only once a month for at least a while.

I'm feeling like paddock size is a really key thing to keeping me ON my horse during the winter.

I'm feeling like having a private tack space is a really key thing to keeping me out of prison when someone moves my shit around.

Which would you choose?

That Time I Moved TC to a Horse Torture Factory

TC has been at his new barn for maybe 48 hours and has complained about being there what seems like ten thousand times.

Luckily, he settled in well to his stall on Wednesday. I a bit just dumped him in there, put up twine so he thought that there was electric wire over the pipe panel at the back of his paddock, and went to unload the trailer. He's not smart enough to know that the twine isn't electric wire within 24 hours. He's a cautious fellow.

Like how he wouldn't come in here for a while,
might be where they torture the horses

I somehow got all of my tack room contents to fit into a much smaller tack locker, though it's a little bit stuffed to the brim and it's bugging me A LOT. I, like TC, and consider this foreshadowing, hate change. I think a lot of it is the feeling of being disorganized and not knowing where things are or what my routine is. So I kept getting annoyed at the tack locker. BUT I will be able to keep stuff in my apartment, so I will be thinking up ways to re-organize it and transfer things into my closet here. The guy who is essentially the barn manager said that if I wanted to change it up, I could just let him know what I wanted changed, which is amazing! I still need ideas though, I might ask you all for suggestions.

After moving all the boxes out of both my car and the trailer into my apartment, I went down to the barn to meet Peony. I didn't want to ride TC because it was getting late, he needed a day off anyway, and it was going to start being sunny starting on Thursday afternoon. No point in riding in the storm in a new place on a horse who hates rain and new places.

TC got some grain and a carrot before we were off to dinner!

Cautiously walking around the arena where they
probably torture horses

Thursday morning I had orientation and was woefully unprepared. Even though they had told me what to bring, the move had totally made me forget absolutely everything I was supposed to bring. I didn't even have a check for direct deposit. Oh well. I did manage to find out that my health insurance is going to be pretty awesome and that I get a day off a week from today! And everyone seemed really nice. I wanted to stop in and find my new boss, but I also wanted to get boba, groceries, and ride my horse.

Boba was good, groceries were also good, and so I got back home and tried to organize more things before getting frustrated that my life was in disarray and walking out to the barn. TC was beside himself that I was there (please let him never find out that I live so close) and I was excited to finally ride him!

I walked him out of his stall and decided to take him on a short walk around first. He was cautious but curious until we got out toward the field. There's a horse that the BO said was a special one, and that horse must have told TC all about how this facility was actually a place where they TORTURE HORSES. TC lost his ever loving mind after that horse riled him up. We finished our walk around the barn with him twitching and slamming himself closer to the ground when anything happened or didn't happen.

Walking on a loose rein because you realize
that this isn't the location they torture horses

Then to make matters worse for him, I tried to get him into the old factory where they torture horses barn where the tack lockers and cross ties were. He said no a few times before cautiously walking in.

He stood there pawing, dancing, and rearing for the entire time I tacked him up. I know him well enough now to know that this bad behavior was due to 1) hating being tied up when he's anxious and 2) he can't see any horses from in there when he's there alone.

I took out my clicker stuff and a longe line, but prepared to ride him. Honestly, this is not a horse you can longe down. He just gets worse and worse and worse. But I figured if I brought it out there, it'd make me feel better just having it, and I was right.

TC's entire demeanor changed once as he got his first click as I led him to the arena. He got clicked every time he went near anything he had decided was scary (a pile of dirt, a cavalletti, ground that looked different than other ground, a horse who was previously outside walking inside, and "arena snakes" which are just tubes coiled by the arena). What he didn't think was scary at all, but what I thought was a bit scary, were the several giant trucks that went barreling on the road by the arena.

Spot, who somehow has survived living in this
place where they torture horses for a while now,
probably just stockholm syndrome

I hopped on and we did a lot of walk to halt transitions to get that whoa button real sharp. When he's nervous, his bolts are like 10x worse than his hilarious playing bolts, so I wanted to make him default to whoa. It was slow and steady-ish, not always calm, but we worked our way through a typical ride. He was a bit coiled up and tight through his back, but for how terrified he had been earlier, he was great! Maybe not steering very well and randomly running sideways at the canter, but he tried really hard. He even randomly gave me a clean change left to right.

In the end I did some sitting trot and both leg yields and shoulder-in. The covered arena is the size of a long court, so I got to play with geometry (sort of, the rain had made parts of it too gushy to ride through) and discovered that my turns onto centerline have gone to shit. Cool. Luckily I'll be riding in here until the ground hardens up outside so we'll have plenty of time to practice.

We stopped after a moderate amount of work, I didn't turn on the equisense because of reasons so I have no idea what we did, but he was sufficiently quiet, so I went with it. I decided to try to ride him around the ranch a bit. I adored our ranch walks at the other place. We had a nice long 15 minute walk to start off every ride and a shorter 10 minute walk to finish (though sometimes we'd backtrack on our 15 minute walk so we'd end with more like 20 minutes). It was fun to ride out and see all the other horses and a lot of the time I'd be talking on the phone with someone or listening to music.

Maybe they torture them out here?

I fully expect my horse to take a second to get comfortable at the new place, but he settled in okay walking around the barn he lives in. Then I tried to walk him past the gates of hell grain room and he really couldn't. After the grain room came this weird rubber thing that TC lost it about, and then a door to a slaughter house garage with glass so he saw a terrifying ghost his reflection, and finally a demon holding container propane tank. I had to get off of him to get him by it. He REALLY isn't okay with that.

We walked down to the pastures and walked out to greet all the horses. TC settled quite a bit when he saw the horses out there, I was able to drop the reins and take some behind the ears pictures. We visited Spot, who wanted nothing to do with us, before walking back to the barn. Once again we had to walk through the corridor of doom, but I was able to stay on this time. Peony and I have plans to ride together on Sunday so we'll see if Spot can convince TC that there's nothing scary about that pathway.

I wish I could say that TC was really good from then on out, but he wasn't. Unfortunately his neighbor came to join us in the cross ties, and then he and his owner (who is super nice!) left to go ride and TC started pawing like he was trying to dig a hole deep enough to hang himself. Then rearing over and over again. Even if you can't longe him down, you can get TC to rear himself down. Eventually his butt starts getting sore, I think, and he reconsiders it as a good way to throw a tantrum. The pawing though, that never makes him sore, he can paw for days.

Wait, how are all these horses not screaming in pain?

Hopefully he continues to settle in well! I will be riding him this morning before going back down to the bay for one last night before packing the rest of my stuff up (just what I need, more disarray) and heading back up on Saturday.

So far everything seems to be going to plan. The apartment is great, the barn seems really great, my limited experience at my new job seems great, my commute is pretty good during non-commute hours (so we'll see), and Peony has been so nice to let me invite myself to everything (got to see her ride Muze last night!). Now all I need is my cat up here so I don't feel so weird being alone. I didn't realize how much I loved having her around until I was completely by myself!