Hold Back the River

Yesterday I gave two (well, three) weeks notice at my horrible job.

In early January, I will be reinstated at my former workplace, though in a different (better) position.

The last month and a half has been kind of insane going through the motions of doing this. Sorry about how long and uninteresting this post is. Tomorrow I'll talk about applying what I learned from Alexis with TC, so hold on!

I'll miss walking along here, but at least I will have beaches

When I took this job, I thought it was the best of all worlds. I was still in the field I loved, but being paid more and being able to live in a lower cost of living area. Everything seemed to fall into place perfectly.

The first week on the job was good. I was given some good training on the databases, given some easy reports to fill out, and promised that the work would pick up and that I'd have so many opportunities and be involved in a lot of really cool things at a higher level than I'd ever been at before. My boss took me out to lunch and we chatted merrily, turns out that her daughters and I have similar tastes in music. It wasn't my old job, which I loved, but it seemed like it'd be doable. You don't have to be completely in LOVE with your job, right?

Little things happened that week, like I noticed the lack of meetings in my calendar, the way my boss told me that everyone was "so nice" but then gave me these weird just between us looks after saying it, and the way my coworkers seemed to interact with each other. Things seemed... off. But I wrote it off as me being a little sensitive to change, me being homesick (not even homesick since I loved and still love where I live, but work-sick).

TC has come so far being up here

The second week got kind of weird. We were scheduled to go to a conference where I was presenting with my former coworkers. This was something everyone knew about. But my boss got... jealous? She loudly complained in her office to my other coworker that I wouldn't want to hang out with them. I went through the conference schedule and told her what I wanted to go to since that's polite, you know. I was going to be in charge of some federal reporting and there was a session on that. I was told not to go because we were "boycotting" that presentation. The person presenting on it had apparently not asked my boss to help her with it... uh okay.

During that second week, the tantrums started. She slammed on her keyboard/mouse and swore loudly whenever something didn't go her way. One of these things that didn't go her way was updating from Windows 8 to Windows 10 and the colors changed in one of her word documents. She cried in her office for a couple of hours one day for some unknown reason. My calendar was bare as ever, I don't think I said two words to anyone that entire week outside of my boss.

Things were so bad at the conference. I am not the most social person, but I do know the power of networking and I was chatting to someone after their presentation when my boss was waiting for me in a corner. She then rolled her eyes at me and left, complaining loudly to my other coworker when we sat down at lunch that "Megan doesn't want to hang out with us, she is only here because she feels obligated to sit with us as lunch." It was probably then that I realized I'd entered an office run by a thirteen year old. Actually scratch that, as I think that a lot of Kate's young students could do a better job running this office.

This path is so nice to walk along

The insecurity and paranoia didn't get better over the last nine months. I am not allowed to write emails to anyone outside of our office without having my boss proofread (and even then, I can count on one hand the number of emails I was allowed to send). There was an entire month this summer where I had no work to do because my boss said it was easier for her to just do it. Her interactions with my coworkers started to affect me. I heard her yelling at one of them, but she weirdly gets walked all over by the other coworker. He refused to do something she asked him to do during a meeting, instead rudely thrusting it upon me saying that I knew how to do it. She came to me and apologized for his behavior but asked me to do the work anyway.

The emotional manipulation is insane. One day she locked herself in her office and cried all day because someone sent her an email asking her to clarify some methodology we used. She often gets a pretty offensive, making fun of another coworker who she thinks is gay, making hand gestures to mime slitting her wrists when she gets an email she doesn't like, telling people she should kill herself because everyone hates her. It all seems to be in a joking tone... but it's really kind of upsetting to hear on a regular basis.

Standing up to her is hard because she cries so often. I have tried, though. She came into work sick several times, getting me sick each time. Since I do crossfit, ride, and teach in addition to working 40 hours a week, I just can't afford to be sick all the time. I finally addressed it one day in early November after she came in sick and had put her hands on my shoulder... I sent her an email saying that since she was sick I was going to stay home. I did not put in for a sick day. I am not using my sick leave to get away from her. She was super insulted and she did not talk to me for a full week after that but instead gave me dirty looks and stormed past my cube regularly.

What a pony

It's not even just that my workday is unpleasant (I mean, it is). I can deal with difficult people. What I can't deal with is how it's going to affect my career. First, no one really respects her. I regularly hear "oh... are you doing okay?" when I tell people I work for her. I don't like to be associated with her and definitely feel distance where there was none with coworkers from other departments.

Second, she seems to deliberately keep me in the dark about what work our office is doing and the industry in general. I'm still somewhat new to the industry and have previously relied on my supervisors and senior staff to be kind of mentors for me. She will have webinars, be on listservs, and receive information about our industry that she will not share. I've also been at several regional meetings (since I do not go to meetings at my workplace but I have remained on the list for these regional meetings) where she has revealed things that "our office is working on" that I had no idea we were doing.

Third, I am not getting the opportunities she promised. She hates conferences so she didn't let me go to the ones that I had clarified I'd be able to go to in the interview. She tells me "we don't do that here" when I talked to her about publishing or presenting findings from a study she then wouldn't let me do. The work has not picked up (legit haven't had anything to do in months) and I still don't know anyone here.

Really going to miss this barn

It's because of this that I feel like I took a MAJOR step back in my career coming up here. I started looking for a job outside this field, but the idea of leaving it is really awful, I really love it. I don't work just to get money to spend on horses (that's only 90% of the reason I work), I work because I fucking LOVE my job. Or I did.

I looked into other colleges in the area and in other areas. There are some, but they either pay too little or will take me too far away from where I want to be. And honestly, the idea of risking going to another toxic work environment was kind of terrifying.

My previous boss has been amazing this whole time. I texted him immediately when I knew it wasn't working and he sent me a ton of jobs, allowed me to pull him aside at that first conference to bitch to, sent me information about webinars he thought I should listen to, kind of kept me in the loop as far as the industry goes because he knows my boss won't. He's checked in on me regularly and genuinely cares that I am not in a good situation.

And my house

When he posted the three jobs that have come available in my previous office (one my old one, one another coworker had left, and a new grant funded one), I had to hold back tears. My boss immediately ran out of her office to gossip about how my previous boss was not going to be able to find anyone to work in those positions because of the pay scale. I mean sure, the cost of living over there is insane and there really isn't any way to save for a(n extravagantly priced) house in the bay area when more than half your income is going to rent.

I messaged him and told him that I volunteered to do two of the jobs for double the pay. I still couldn't make rent and have my horse over there on that salary alone. I acknowledge that without the horse, I would be able to do it... but what is life without riding? Surely riding is more important than this job.

Such an amazing place

Meanwhile in the background, my business is actually happening. I'm not in high demand or anything, but I have several very regular clients and every month I seem to have a few more than the previous month. My clients have said several times that they wished I lived closer, they want weekly lessons, they want me to do training rides.

One day I got 3 hours of sleep and woke up doing the math. I need 20 lessons a month to be equivalent to how I'm living now (taking into account the increase in rent and slight decrease in pay) and only 10 to "survive" (aka no debt). I talked to my clients and they gave me 18 immediately. Two of them promised to spread the word. Kate was really amazing in this and offered me a clinic at her barn whenever I was short.

I talked to my previous boss. Should I come back? Uh, yeah. Can I come back at a higher pay scale? Yes. Can I work from home sometimes? Yes. Does he have any overtime for me? Yes. Can he help me find contract work? Yes. Can I go to the April conference and present in November? I've already signed you up to present in April, you have to automate all of these reports first though, no one has been able to do it. YES this is exactly what I want.

In addition, a salary study is going on now so the pay should go up. And he will be getting a director under him and that position is as good as mine, though obviously no promises can be made.

Going to be way closer to this place now though

And so, yesterday I gave my two (three-and-a-half due to the holidays) weeks notice. My last day is January 4th. I start at my new job on January 7th. She immediately retaliated by shit talking me in her office so loudly that I could hear. I have nothing to lose so I went to HR today.

I already have a ton to do at my new job. I have a presentation to prepare for, I have to update all the reports that no one updated since I left, I have several meetings to go to, I have to automate several reports... and that is day one. Day two involves an insane plan to undercut a company that charges a half million dollars to do what I think I can do with R. It's a lot, but I am so so excited to be back.

It initially felt like retreating or taking a step back to come home to my former place of work. But really, it was a step back to come here. I'm excited for my career again and excited that I don't have to deal with such dysfunction anymore.

Hoping to take this guy on some trail rides this
year without having to drive as far!

Now to get everything organized! I will post about the move soon :)