Monday, January 30, 2017

Getting the Upper Hand

On Tuesday last week, the vet came out to see Rico. If you remember, Rico had been hospitalized for a full week after taking a serious turn for the worse. He was spiking a fever every day, was severely underweight, and generally just feeling like shit.

Rico got home last Saturday and was feeling much better. But in the days following, he was slowly becoming sicker again. The reality is that when he's hospitalized, he can get IV antibiotics, which are much more effective than the oral ones that he gets at home. The hope was that the hospitalization would give him a major boost and get him on the right track.

Slowly he started getting worse. He'd spike a fever every afternoon. He felt less energetic. Didn't play with Riot as much. We started getting worried, called the vet from the hospital who said to wait a few more days and maybe we would put him on a new antibiotic.

THEN as we started to get worried, he started to pull out of it. Started to be a little more energetic, started to bite Riot more often. Horses, such a roller coaster.

This happened!! Note his belly was shaved
The vet appointment for Tuesday still stood, but we got good news that he DOES look better and the antibiotics are working! He spiked a fever on Wednesday and Thursday, but since then hasn't spiked one at all. He's eating well and gaining weight.

Once again I'm really really hoping we're on the other side of this and from now on it's just giving him lots of food and these antibiotics and love and then he'll be fine. Obviously we don't know for sure, and there's a chance he could get really sick again, but he's looking better than he has in months at this point, and that's super promising.

He was so excited
This weekend I took him out to brush him and he was downright nuts. Stood with his head straight up in the air and was super interactive. I decided that he was probably okay to get on just to walk around a bit. So I popped a saddle pad on and then undid his halter to put on the bridle and he took off marching around the barn. I had to run after him to get the bridle on and then get on. The second my butt hit his back he zipped off at the trot toward the gate. All he wanted to do was trot all the way down the road, so I let him. We had no walk, we had jigging or standing and staring into the distance. It was amazing to see him like this. He's been so depressed and sick lately.

There was a point where I thought I'd be losing him, it felt really good to sit on him, even if he still looks terrible (and has had his belly shaved). But we still have a long long way to go.

I really hope I can spend the summer riding him. Come on Rico!

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Throwback Thursday: Winter Trail Riding

These pictures are from Rico's very first "trail ride" in years. This was back in... 2012 maybe? 2013? I had been rehabbing (no hills) him for a while and I found out that Harvey Bear has this 2 mile paved loop around a couple cow pastures that was pretty flat. We went out there on a cold day and he was so excited to march around the loop. We did it for a couple years before I finally let him climb some hills (oh, and his tendons remained TOTALLY FINE galloping up hills after we got our Gold, but one can never be too careful).
Happy ears (we walked on the path next to the pavement)
Remains my desktop picture even though he looks like a fucking
llama. This was pre-FEI Rico so his topline was the worst
Such a pretty place, a bit gloomy that day though
I miss these ears SO MUCH

Love these trees all over the place

One of my favorite pictures, he was STOKED when we got there
It had rained I think earlier that day or the day before


Watching cows in the distance

Eventually we made it up into those hills and he loved it 

The happiest. I know a certain hippo that stands like that. I might
have a type... 

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

2017 Goals Redux

Hah, my goals for 2017 are suddenly mostly not happening.

I'm scrapping them. I'll keep a couple though. Here we go again:

- Rico recovers well and is happy and healthy
- TC magically stays sound in pasture and magically doesn't have behavioral issues so all of our goals are the same as before!

Some new ones, these are all optional since I don't know if they're all possible!
- Get Riot fit for trail riding
- Ride on the trails with friends more often
- Ride in a trail trials with Riot
- Get Riot ready for the Quicksilver Intro endurance ride (10 miles)
- Be the slowest and most complainiest person at the endurance race
- Take a jumping lesson
- School cross country
- Jump without stirrups again (haven't done it since 2014 with Rico and it hurt)
- Jump over 3' again (haven't done it since 2012 I think...)
- Do a not-dressage clinic
- Ride on the beach


And, because horses are too much a part of my life, some non horse goals:
- Camp like I've never camped before (CA, NV, UT, AZ, OR this year!)
- Travel more (DC! I'm probably coming for you, also the states listed above)
- Buy my Rokinon lens and go on more night photography trips
- Stick to a gym schedule now that I have more time to kill
- More trips to see farther away friends
- Explore the bay area more, especially the North Bay where I rarely venture
- Meet more bloggers!
- Hike a LOT, like every weekend
- Complete this weird little hiking challenge the South Bay came up with and get the t-shirt they're offering for it
- Do another fun themed 5k but it's okay if I walk a lot because fuck running, but yay fun 5ks
- Destroy my brother at disc golf (well... how about just play disc golf with my brother more)
- Try a new hobby (like go paint something or take a ceramics class or whatever)
- Learn a new programming language
- Finish the book I was writing
- Well, first, finish my thesis
- Maybe apply for a teaching position at the nearby CC in the fall or next spring? I do love teaching
- Spend more time at the beach not on a horse (but also on a horse), I work RIGHT NEXT TO THE BEACH and I should go there for my lunch break and read a book sometimes.
- Go hang gliding because bf wants to go again and it looks cool but scary.


I'm looking forward to these goals a lot more. There's no dread in them! Except maybe jumping without stirrups. It may not be apparent on this blog, but I used to be a decent jump rider. Now who wants to go on a trail ride?

Monday, January 23, 2017

Emulation

The last couple weeks with TC have obviously been kind of rough. Not only is he having to go through another rehab as a young, obnoxious horse (and this time I'm doing it so he's only getting handled once a day vs three and my poor hippo doesn't get to swim), I'm having to deal with him AND the weight of the decision I made.

Haven't taken many pictures of him since I made the
decision :/ trying to detach is hard, he's so sweet

In many ways, he has been better than expected with the rehab, especially in comparison to how he was last year. He isn't standing in his stall pawing like he was last time, and he's actually handle-able by me.

But he's obviously kind of an idiot, and all last week that was getting worse. I walked him Tuesday and he was okay. We had a lot of dragging me around and biting. Then he saw a bunny in front of him. It saw him too and it ran away from him. He positively GALLOPED toward the bunny and I stopped him, so he reared over me. Okay.

Then Wednesday I couldn't get him out because it was raining sideways so I just fed him and left.

Thursday I walked him in the covered arena by ourselves. Things were good until they weren't and he took off with me again. I could barely keep my footing and certainly couldn't stop him. He ran all the way across the arena from the far corner and nearly out the gate. And that's when I let him have it.

I laid into him and made him do a bunch of lateral work and reining back. Any time he threatened to bolt, he got shot backwards. This made him a lot easier to handle! He was still a dingbat in the cross ties when we got back though, ugh.

Friday I couldn't go to the barn because I had stuff to do after work (this last week I was in early every day so no pony time in the morning), so he ended up having yet another day off. Saturday I went out to the barn in the morning expecting a really awful horse to have to lead around. I was dreading it.

The creek has been flowing ever since the
storms started!

Now, on Friday I had watched that video that was going around about Walter the perfect horse. TC is basically... the opposite of Walter. Even if Walter couldn't be ridden, Walter would find a good home because Walter is a very sweet, calm, reliable, well trained animal. TC is not... even close to being Walter.

With TC coming six years old this year, I can't use the baby horse excuse anymore. And it's on me, I've been using the "he's slow to mature" and "he's just young" excuse a lot recently. I just feel bad for him. I feel bad that he's been basically injured/on rehab since he was four years old. I feel bad that he's been locked in a stall and unable to play with other horses (he does now have a neighbor though! They can touch noses at least). I feel bad that he can't be turned out or jumped or trail ridden. I feel bad that he makes me nervous and I'm sure having a nervous owner hasn't been fun.

So Saturday I took TC out and put him in the cross ties. I started to pull his mane and he started wiggling. I grabbed my whip and his lead rope and as long as he was standing stock still, I just happily trimmed his mane and gave him pets and told him how good he was. When he would wiggle, try to bully me with his shoulder, try to bite me, or try to yank at the cross ties, he got told that this was NOT okay.

By the end of me pulling his mane, he was standing perfectly still, not moving a muscle, and resting a foot.

Our entire walk was downright pleasant. There were two incidents- one where I asked him to rein back and he reared, so he got told NOT to do that while he was in the air; the other where he bit me and I SMACKED him for it and ran him backwards. After that, nothing. Just quietly walking. Even when something spooked him in the spooky area. He just flipped an ear at the scary thing, flipped an ear at me, and chewed.

The same thing happened on Sunday. It was cold, windy, and threatening to rain- typically weather that would send him over the edge. He only tried to bully me once in the cross ties and we just had one incident on our walk when I had him do a turn on the forehand and he said no but I said YES and he did it.

It bums me out to go through these pictures but I don't have
enough media for blog posts!
All it's taking is higher expectations, entertaining him with ground work, and a willingness on my part to put away my feelings about how terrible he must feel about his situation so that I can discipline him properly. He just has to be safe to handle no matter what his circumstance. And you know, he's even seeming a little more relaxed around me. He stood in the cross ties resting a foot and he seems less reactive when we're walking around.

Obviously this is just two days, and he might push back against me and it will be worse. But for now, I feel better about how this whole thing is going. Fingers crossed he continues to be a good boy for his rehab so that when he does move to pasture, he's more likely to stay sound. If only I could explain that to him!

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

A Different Path

I wrote a post once entitled Success vs Happiness. It was a pretty popular post for a while until what was like... a sudden influx of readers from France didn't like that post as much as a few others. Interesting.
I say I'd love to relive this day. But in truth, it was nerve wracking
and frustrating, and I was miserable until I got my score. 
The post was about recognizing that we often times put our happiness beyond our successes, thinking that once we are successful or once we achieve this certain goal we've set for ourselves, then we'll be happy. In the last year or so since I wrote that post, I've been taking more and more steps to being a happier person, to enjoying the journey for the sake of the journey and not making a beeline toward my goals, setting new goals, beelining towards those, and so on.

Some of these changes have happened and they're wonderful. I quit my horrible job and took a pay cut for what has turned out to be my dream job. I work with some pretty amazing people and I find what I do really rewarding. I'm trying new things more often and I've been working on talking less about what I want to do and just doing it. The WORK-life-HORSE balance is getting a bit more balanced out, where life is starting to grow and work is less stressful.

That leaves the horse side of things. And I had a massive realization about what horses mean to me and what I've been doing to myself these last few years.

At least the pictures turn out well right? I love this shot with my
shadbelly out behind me
I poured my life into getting my Gold medal on Rico. Nothing was too big a sacrifice for it. I worked throughout my Master's program to pay for lessons and shows (oh, and tuition, I left in a bit of debt). I didn't go on vacation, I didn't buy anything for myself other than what I needed to ride, I didn't even get a real hair cut in those couple of years of pushing. Everything I did was for that medal, for scores, for dressage. I started crossfit because I needed to be fitter and other than that, I didn't do any thing that would put my own physical health at risk (like snowboarding, which I finally did last year) just in case. I rode every single day without fail to keep Rico strong and sound. I didn't jump him or trail ride him or even ride him bareback very often to keep us on our regimented schedule. I didn't skip days because it was raining or I was tired or I was busy. Everything in my life was secondary to riding. I literally studied for finals while warming him up (we'd go on regimented 30 minute warm up walks) and any time not spent with the horse was spent making schedules and budgets and arrangements to get this all to work on a small salary while working through grad school.

And it paid off. I am a USDF Gold Medalist. I achieved it through weekly lessons (and no training rides unless you counted the day that Heidi got on for fifteen minutes and couldn't get Rico to do more ones than I could) alone and on a horse I'd trained from Training level.

He was fun to ride. And he was good in shows too. But I did not
have fun in shows, I was too stressed and worried about scores to
have any fun. 
I love dressage. I love it. I'm good at it and it intrigues me. I love talking with my dressage friends about dressage and I love taking dressage lessons from amazing dressage trainers to learn more about dressage. I love doing dressage even on horses who are wildly inappropriate for dressage or who "hate" dressage. I love the feeling of a horse's back up underneath me and a steady even connection on the reins. I love feeling a horse's first attempts at changes and cursing when I miscount in my tempis.

The next step in my dressage journey seemed clear: keep going. Move the goal posts. Yes you got your Gold, but do it again and again.  I bought what turned out to be a very nice young horse with a lot of potential. It was time to prove that I'm not a one-hit-wonder. That it wasn't just a fluke. Train the horse up, this time take your time and win a lot, this time score better, this time leave less holes in the horse's training.

And I had fun with TC, we had our fair share of good moments amongst many bad ones. He gave me a feeling in the bridle that I never have felt before. And hearing how fancy he was never got old. He is fancy, he's a really nice horse. I got super lucky in my horse search because he was not expensive.

But it was a double edged sword.

The interaction between TC being more and more difficult for me to ride (perhaps stemming from him needing to be in a stall with no turnout for his rehab or just being that sort of horse, I guess we'll find out if he stays sound) and me putting more and more pressure on myself, blaming myself for the troubles I was having, and harassing myself about my record, was just awful.

The more I struggled on him, the more I felt pressure to suck it up and deal with it. I had many a blog commenter tell me that this should be easy, that I'm a Gold Medalist and so therefore I'd be more successful than someone with less experience at putting movements on or dealing with his bad behavior. I had many an instructor yell at me because I "should know better" when I made a mistake. I was told several times by different people to "use my considerable experience" to ride through things that were TERRIFYING me. As if knowing how to ride a line of tempis ever prepared me to handle a horse that bolts. Even when things weren't scary, I was made to believe that there was something going horrifically wrong with my riding because "why are you doing that with your hands?!" (answer: I don't know, I have had three dressage lessons total since getting my Gold TWO YEARS AGO) or "why are you sitting crooked?" or what not.

And that's NOTHING compared to what I told myself. I had better not go to a show until I knew that I'd score above 65%. I mean that's just embarrassing. I'm supposed to be this amazing rider, right? Everyone puts Grand Prix riders up on these pedestals thinking that they can do no wrong, then when they come crashing down, they question how they even got there. Oh, her GP horse must have been super easy, or a schoolmaster, or it's a fluke. Every movement on TC felt like it had to be just so before I let it out in public, it was evidence of my years of training, evidence that I "knew better," evidence that I hadn't earned my Gold due to a fluke or because Rico was just so damn good (why was he so damn good? ME). It was because I was a good rider.

I love this horse. But I love him because he is my best friend and
he was so fun to ride, not because he was talented but because he
had the best mind. I could take him in the GP ring one day and ride
him bareback the next. But I didn't. 

I felt so much pressure, and add to that TC's constant stream of bad behavior and/or unsoundnesses. I felt like everything was crumbling out from under me. And this felt like evidence. Evidence that I'm not the rider I thought I was. I started wondering those same things- was Rico just *that* good, such a good horse that *anyone* could have done what I did? Was TC just too much horse, are Grand Prix riders allowed to have a horse who is too much horse? And honestly in the last six months, I've never felt like a worse rider. There's nothing like all these people who had known me during the years I had Rico telling me that I should be better.

About a week and a half ago, the day after TC went lame and I made the decision to put him in pasture after a bit of stall rest, I finally liberated myself from this prison I had felt stuck in for the last two years since getting my medal.

I quit dressage.

Don't panic. I'm quitting competitive dressage. For a little while at least- until I have a better attitude and relationship with the sport.

There's no winning in this sport with me anymore, not with the way I'm approaching it. Either I take TC to a show (well, not anymore, he's lame and won't let me ride him anyway) and I score at 70% and that's expected of me so it's a "well duh I'm a GP rider riding at Training on a fancy horse, obviously that's going to happen" moment. Or I go to a show and score a 65% and I feel like shit because TC is much nicer than that and I'm clearly a shit rider who can't train a talented horse like him to score better than a measly [insert any score under whatever unreasonable threshold I give myself].

Having him suddenly snatched away from me by yet another injury and then me giving up on us allowed me to really think.

I don't... want to do this to myself. Or my family or friends. You know what I want to do?

Trail ride with my friends. Ride bareback. Jump something. Go cross country schooling. Ride bridleless. Try a new discipline. Take a week off of riding because I got busy or felt like it or went on vacation and not be afraid for my life or my horse's soundness. And finally, NOT give up everything non-horsey in my life to ride.

And I want to do dressage. But I want to do it because I love it. Because I want to feel my horse get stronger and more coordinated. Because lead changes are fun. And half pass isn't as fun but looks cool from the ground and I love media so I'll do it.

His passage was amazing to ride. But what
was not amazing was the adrenaline that would
pulse through me as I worried about him stopping in it.

All this time I had continued to put success before happiness to the detriment of the latter. I was not happy. I do not enjoy going to the barn to ride TC. I don't. It's not fun to ride him when I am afraid of him either hurting himself or bolting or rearing. It's not fun to listen to people who think they're consoling me or helping me or encouraging me but are really just insulting me. It's not fun to have to say no to seeing friends or going places because I can't leave him without either paying someone to ride him or putting myself in danger when I do get back on him.

So all I wanted this week was to tell Kate that I'd meet her at Fresno this last weekend and offer to buy her lunch in exchange for her reminding me that I should keep my leg on when I'm cantering toward an intro level cross country jump. And all I wanted to do when it was raining was to pet a pony on the nose and tell them I'd see them when the rain stopped. And all I wanted to do when I only had thirty minutes at the barn before work was to jump on bareback and wander around the ranch. 

But that horse I'm on in my mind in that situation was not TC. It was never TC. Without even acknowledging that he scares the hell out of me and I would never ride him bareback or not exercise him every single day or take him out on cross country, even to wander around on if we couldn't jump. He's lame! Even without the new injury and the stifle and whatever, his suspensory will prevent him from ever doing anything like that.

So sure I'd give anything to go back to this day. But maybe I would
have more fun this time around. 

I didn't make a mistake buying him though, don't get me wrong. I had no idea that I even wanted to have the horse I'm describing. The sort of horse who I can do more than just dressage with, the sort of horse I don't want to compete. Because my one track mind prevented me from seeing what true happiness (without competition success) meant for me. Even when I imagined my next horse (after TC) being this sort of horse, I always imagined that TC would be the way to get that horse- to sell him and buy an all around horse.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how much in my life is about achievements and goals rather than happiness. As long as I'm working toward something, I can distract myself enough from the pain of working toward it with the idea that the pain will be better afterward. If I put in the time now with TC, he will be amazing and I'll sell him for lots of money and he'll finish up my CLS stars and get me my freestyle medals and THEN I can buy a fun all around pony because they're so cute and I just want to ride something for fun.

Life is short, buy the pony. Well, TC isn't going anywhere any time soon so that fictional pony won't exist for quite a long time, but my goals have officially shifted and I'm going to take a break from competitive dressage. I mean, my record shows that I'm now entering year 3 of not showing, but I'm talking about goal-wise, pressure-wise.
New goals miiiiiiight include something fun with this guy.
There are no longer any dressage goals on my 2017 calendar. And for the first time in a long time, I'm really excited about my future with horses for the sake of the horses, rather than for the sake of success. I'll just have to live vicariously through all of the blogs I follow for my competition itch. Meanwhile, I'm going to go find something to hop on bareback... when it stops raining. 

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Love Like Ghosts

As mentioned, Sunday night I went up to see bf and have dinner before heading up to the concert. The concert was a full two hours away from my job, which I reluctantly dragged myself to for our 9am meeting, which ended up being moved to the afternoon. Boo. If you liked the song from yesterday's post, this post's title is another song I like on that album!

Lord Huron
I was devastated about TC. I felt terrible for bf who is not at all horsey having to deal with me when horsey things go wrong. First, I tend to overreact a LOT so he's never sure whether I'm crying for what will end up being no reason or for a serious scary reason. Second, I get real crazy when things go rough with the horses. I pull away from people but simultaneously want to talk about it, so it ends up being like me getting irritated that he can't read my mind. Sorry boyfriend, you're the best for not actually just locking me in a cage the second I look sad and mention one of my horses' names.

I spent much of the evening just like... sobbing. Making the decision to put TC in pasture was really hard. I made it when I was upset but now we're over a week later and I feel better about it. At worst he'll be lame for life but probably sound enough for someone to trail ride and brush his pretty tail. At best, pasture life will reset his brain and strengthen his legs rather than make them worse, and I'll get my horse back. But that's so unlikely. Three injuries, and a muddy pasture is proooobably the worst thing to do for all of them.

So I was swinging wildly back and forth between being pretty okay and ugly crying. But we were still on track for the concert, which I was excited about, and I glanced through Dreamhorse looking for horses for my mom and saw a few horses that maybe I would want for myself. Tomorrow's post goes into the back end of that whole thought process.

I miss this view

Bf went downstairs for a bit to grab something. I was clicking through a couple of little quarter horses on Dreamhorse when I got a text from my mom (paraphrased since I'm not going to go through all of the texts to find it).

Rico seems worse and we're rushing him to [vet hospital], hoping it's a grand overreaction but we don't want to take the chance.

The dichotamous nature of my responses to (possibly but certainly giving up on) losing TC due to injury and having Rico being rushed to the hospital was an interesting one. The second TC head bobbed that day, I dissolved into tears. It was hard to get myself back to his stall without starting to break down. I cried and cried and cried that afternoon.

But after that text? I was numb. I didn't cry. I just stared into space until bf came back and asked me what was wrong. I told him and just stared at him. He gave me tylenol (pro tip: acetaminophen can be used for social pain as well as for physical pain because it works on the receptors in your brain and social pain interacts with the same receptors as physical pain) and sat with me. I did eventually cry. Randomly. In between dancing and bouncing around at the concert.


Rico is my heart horse. The horse I can always count on to be there for me, to let me ride him bareback and teach him silly tricks and cry into his mane when things aren't going well. The horse who just about GAVE me all of my accomplishments in dressage. This horse was in trouble and I could lose him and in that instance, losing TC just seemed like it didn't matter in the least.

To make matters worse, the day before we had found out that a horse next door had mysteriously dropped dead. The horse had seemed a bit "off" mentally, a bit depressed. Then suddenly two weeks later the horse is dead. They did an autopsy and found internal pigeon fever.

And remember that Rico has two bacterial infections. One of them is internal pigeon fever and one is a mystery bacterial infection. He's arguably much worse off than the horse that dropped dead.

Nice snow-cone lipstick buddy
Rico stayed at the hospital until this last Saturday. He was on IV antibiotics and they did a belly tap to get more bugs both from the abscess on his liver (which tested negative for cancer PHEW) and his belly. They had major trouble growing the bugs, no one knows why. We still have no idea what sort of bugs are in there, the only thing we have on this is just the response of his body to the infections. And we know that they're different infections.

He started feeling better by Wednesday and my mom went down to get him, but they swapped him to oral antibiotics for that morning and he had a bad reaction. He was shaking his head and acting really weird. So she left him there. Apparently the oral antibiotics can cause mouth ulcers. Poor guy. We now have to rinse out his mouth an hour after giving them to prevent them from destroying his mouth.

After Wednesday he took a turn for the better mentally. The techs said that he LOVED  his turnout time and grazing time. I think it took him back to his old life at training barns where he got taken out and put in turnout. He loves exploring and the vet techs just let him drag them around. Horse loves to think that he's pampered.

He came home on Saturday. He looks terrible physically but is mentally feeling almost normal. And he's alive. And honestly, right now, that's all I want. I just want him to live through this.

I don't care if I ever ride him again, I just want
him to be okay

PSA: If your horse acts weird AT ALL (even if they show no other signs, that horse that died didn't even have a fever), look up whether Pigeon Fever is in your area (CA and TX I think, not all areas though) and if it is, pull blood and get it tested. It's not expensive and catching it early is absolutely the only reason why Rico is still alive right now. I just hope we caught it early enough for him to get through this. Right now it... well, it's not yet looking good.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Meet Me in the Woods

On Sunday night of last week I went to a concert. The day had started off very poorly (this post) and had gotten even worse (tune in tomorrow), but the concert was amazing. It was such a weird weekend, full of highs and lows. I wish this post was about the highs. But I don't think you guys care as much about the music as I do. If you like indie folk though (basically my favorite genre other than maybe post rock/contemporary classical, hmmmm), take the title of this blog and search for a song by Lord Huron. I've been playing it nonstop.

I wanted to write these beautiful tragic posts (stay tuned tomorrow for more pain and suffering!) about what happened that day. But I'm out of practice with the beautiful writing, and honestly my writing has always been fairly homely. So you'll have to be okay with a timeline.

This guy
Saturday

On Saturday I rode TC for the first time since starting the ulcerguard. I really had high hopes for that ride. It had been five days of ulcerguard, six if you counted the one I gave him right before I rode him. I longed him first and he seemed more comfortable stepping into the side reins.

I got on and he didn't run backwards or rear right away. He threatened though, a lot. And I could barely get him walking and didn't have one step of trot. But it was for sure a more positive ride than our Tuesday morning ride where he planted his feet into concrete and stood there. But for Saturday's ride there were a bunch of people around, so that could have made the difference. It wasn't significantly better. After five very expensive tubes of ulcer medicine.

I watched the other riders on their horses. Trotting and cantering around, chatting happily about their days or getting barked at by a trainer. And I was sitting on a horse who I hadn't been able to have a fun relaxed ride on in a long time. It started to really get to me.

So smiley
My thoughts were interrupted by a rather rude individual who I will not name, but will divulge what she said to me. Because I don't care if she reads this. She offered her services to help me, though she's not a trainer. I said no thanks, I think my horse has ulcers, he needs more time and then I'll explore other options. She interrupted me. "You know what I think?" She asked aggressively, though it was clearly a rhetorical question because I didn't get a chance to say anything. "I think that every time he thinks about going forward, you yank on his face and he's just sick of it."

Oh. Thanks.

First, why does she not just talk behind my back like normal people?! I really don't care. Talk behind my back all you want. Do it. Go ahead. It's a totally normal thing. I expect NO ONE to agree with every decision I make, even my best friends. So by all means, talk behind my back. But why, WHY do people insist on calling other people out like that? Like how does lecturing me help me? Why does it matter so much to you what I do with MY HORSE? Especially when she's seen me ride, what, three times total? I have a job, I ride in the early mornings or late evenings when she isn't there.

Second, what the actual fuck. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I don't like playing the USDF Gold Medal card all the fucking time, but I've trained a horse to Grand Prix and even if I hadn't, I am pretty sure I know how to not yank on a horse's mouth. Plus, yanking on TC's mouth is a really good way to get him to rear these days soooooo... wouldn't be doing that.

I left the barn extremely frustrated that day. I really wish that her rudeness was the end of the weekend of horror, but it was only the beginning.

Love that tree
Sunday with TC

I got to the barn at the beginning of the day absolutely dreading what I thought might be a confrontation with that person. But she wasn't there. Good.

I decided to just longe TC and try riding again a few days later, maybe Tuesday or Wednesday. Really give the ulcerguard a chance to work just in case his ulcers were really bad.

As I was tacking him up, I noticed that his left front (read: not the suspensory leg) was a bit puffy. Interesting. I tried to ignore it. I tacked him up and we walked around the ranch. He was fairly quiet, which was nice. He never spooked or exploded. Such a good pony!

Then he jigged and I noticed something... a head bob. On the left front. Nah, he's just head bobbing because he's trotting slow and is out of shape. But as I was walking past the parking lot where many a vet has looked at my horse trot out and declared him lame, I trotted my horse out and declared him lame. On the left front. On the wrong leg.

Go pony go!
I started to feel a panic attack coming on so I quickly dumped TC in his stall and pulled off his tack. I sat down on his saddle pad and went through the shortness of breath and chest pain that is a mild panic attack. When I had sort of managed to calm myself down (read: erupted into tears), I pulled off his boots. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe there will be nothing there and I'm making this up.

But there it was. A blown up leg, worse after walking and that bit of trot. Hot and bothered. Much hotter than the other leg.

I curled up against my saddle (sorry saddle) and grabbed my whip to get TC, who thought this was an amazing game, away from me. And I just let loose.

I'm out of money.

I'm out of patience.

I'm out of time.

I have poured everything I can into this horse and we've run into problem after problem. Ever since I bought him, things have been going wrong. He started bolting. He busted his suspensory. His bolting got worse. He busted his stifle. He started rearing. He wouldn't let me ride him. And now we have a mystery soft tissue injury on the OTHER front leg.

I miss this

And in that moment... I gave up. I sent thirty days notice into the barn. I canceled his smartpaks. I texted my farrier that the shoes he was getting on Wednesday would be his last set.

Because as painful as this is to admit: I can't do it anymore. I can't.

I do not enjoy this horse. I told bf, who has been so incredibly supportive I can't believe it, I told him that the most fun I've had with this horse since I bought him has been imagining what he will be like later in the future. Even on this blog, I love talking about the future so much more than about what we're doing.

I spent a very long time with Rico not getting to do the things I wanted to. I couldn't jump him. I couldn't ride him up any hills. Trail rides with friends were out of the question. Doing fun schooling shows and trying new things were out of the question. I put a lot of limitations and expectations on myself because of these goals. And I don't regret it, I accomplished more than I thought I ever could on him... But this is different, this is a horse with a lot of potential sure, but there has to be a breaking point. And here we are.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And I think I need to do a different thing.

So we're doing a different thing soon
So TC is moving to his breeder's barn into pasture at the end of February where my bills will be reduced to a quarter of what I'm paying now. There he will sit and hopefully heal until about May or June. At that point I'll sit on him again and see if we can make things work soundness/saneness wise (if not, then there are more plans for him that I will divulge later).

I fully acknowledge that by doing this, I might be sentencing him to a life where he is not sound ever again. But at this point, I just can't. I can't. There is a breaking point and we have passed it. This is a risk I'm willing to take though, since even when he is sound, he's not the horse I thought he was going to be for me. But I can't keep hanging on to that vision and I can't keep pouring money and time and effort into this horse who has proven to me time and time again that we're not a match. At least not in this current situation.
Soon we'll be back at this place, and hopefully behind these ears
one day again
Once again, for the second winter in a row, I'm horseless (don't worry, I have something to ride, he's just not mine and not honestly what I even want right now, but he has four legs and I don't feel taken advantage of).

This last week I've just been doing TC's mini rehab schedule- walking 20 minutes a day and then dumping him back into his stall and feeding him. It's been slightly nice though, because we're having serious winter storm after serious wither storm. I'm going to the gym a lot more, which has been super fun. I'm planning a bunch of camping trips with my family/friends/bf because I fucking can if the horse lives in pasture and doesn't get grain/supplements. I'm going on a photography trip today and finally get to save for the lens that I desperately want.

This is not what I wanted, I'm quite devastated by it, I can't tell you how many times I've cried in the last week and it's for sure not over. But time heals most wounds and I'm feeling better about my decision. I want a better work-horse-life balance and I want to be able to have fun with horses again.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's post where Sunday gets even worse.

Friday, January 6, 2017

The Current State of Affairs

Oh man it's been a while since we actually talked about TC on this blog. About two weeks I think. And there's a reason for that. I'm going to try to get this all into this post, but it's going to be long. Because TC has been rearing.

Not this, the most perfect young horse ever? I can't believe how
dark he still is, dude you're turning 6 this year!
Here is the fast and dirty time line:

Friday December 16th to Sunday December 18th- We have the best rides! They were so fun and he was the best baby horse.

Monday December 19th- TC was a spaz at night, though he was great in between being really spooky and bolting a lot.

Tuesday December 20th- TC was great in the beginning, but then we took a walk break and then TC bolted basically through the rest of our ride.

Wednesday December 21st- TC was really really good, but he was behind my leg to the left and I mentioned him wanting to skitter right. I didn't mention it in the post, but it was mostly in the spooky corner and pretty much only to the left.

Thursday December 22nd- TC was very much behind my leg and balking, he did a small rear and the ride was going downhill quick before my friend spooked us and he went galloping around the arena. Then we had some really nice work.

Friday December 23rd- It was pouring rain so I just walked TC for 45 minutes

Saturday December 24th- TC begins by balking and running backwards at the mounting block. I kick him and he rears up, much bigger than Thursday. I rode him forward to another rear, then really lay into him and got him moving forward. Have the best ride ever once as he's in front of my leg.

Sunday December 25th- Decided that my safety was more important than his soundness and turned TC out in the covered round pen with the questionable footing. He bucked a LOT and had a blast. Didn't ride him.

Monday December 26th- Talked to the local vet in the morning who also does chiro/acupuncture, made an appointment for Thursday. That day I turned TC out, then rode him. He threatened to rear but I kept it very casual and didn't bait him to do it. Left the arena and got some really nice forward work in the field (though he still felt stilted and flat, but he was actually in front of my leg).

Tuesday December 27th- Turnout round pen was taken but the outdoor round pen was open. Took TC out there saddled up but with longeing stuff. He was quiet on the line, but forward both with and without side reins. A horse trotted over to him in turnout and he did what I considered a very docile bolt/spook/play. I got on after to just walk around and he was okay as long as I didn't put my leg on at all and didn't touch the reins. Any time I'd touch the reins he'd slow down and any time my leg went on he'd stop and look back at me. Went out in the other field (the one where he's usually nuts) and he was happy to trot away from the barn but when turned back, he would stop and pin his ears if my leg went on. A horse exploded in turnout and he casually picked up a canter and shook his head (unusually docile response) so I put my leg on to encourage him and he slammed to a halt and pinned looked at me.

Wednesday December 28th- Once again tacked up for longeing and had a GREAT school on the line in the round pen. He bucked and played a bit but I got some amazing work out of him. Thought it was all over, got on, and he would barely walk undersaddle. Same behavior as the day before. I didn't even try the field. After working I threw him in the round pen for turnout where he had a lot of fun. That night I hung out with Kate and she gave me some pop rocks just in case TC needs to be started on them. Decided to try chiro first and talk to the vet.

Thursday December 29th- Local vet came out and did chiro/acupuncture. She's sort of switching her focus from veterinary work to half vet and half chiro, which is really nice. I'm not the world's biggest believer in chiropractic work with horses, but having her also be a vet gives me a lot of peace of mind.

She checked his teeth and said they were okay, not bad enough to warrant a sudden change in behavior. Apparently chiropractically, this horse is a mess. He was way out in his poll and TMJ, out on one side at the C4 and the other at the C5. Out in both shoulders, though the left more than the right. Out in his sternum. VERY out in his lumbar area (and after the adjustment, his roach there went completely away...). Out in his pelvis, it tipped majorly down on the left side. And out in his sacrum.

Well okay. Whether that was enough to explain the rearing, she didn't know.

His back has never been this flat
So in the last two weeks, we've seen this: a horse with a confirmed bolting problem that has persisted for over two years, suddenly and completely changes his MO from bolting to rearing/balking over a period of two days.

Gone is the horse who wants so much to work and do his job, but is sometimes too amped up to stay with me mentally- he's now docile and his poor attempts at bolting are stopped when I put my leg on to encourage him to go forward. Gone is the horse with the flashy, sometimes terrifying, gaits- he's now completely flat and stilted both under saddle and loose if he's willing to move forward at all. Gone is the horse who always says yes, perhaps sometimes a bit too expressively- he now won't work under saddle at all, even when I'm giving him everything he's ever wanted- free reign to gallop around in the open.

Still happy to be longed though

And some of what I've heard from a few people is that he's being a jerk. Because they know him as this problem horse. He's rearing because he's five. Because he's trialing new behavior to get out of working (but um he never wants to not work). Because it's cold. Because it's raining. Because he's a naughty horse. Just longe him, don't ride him, leave him in his stall until the trainer comes back and let him ride out the rodeo and teach him that he can't rear (which is an appropriate thing to do if this was purely behavioral, don't get me wrong- I'm not opposed to that).

And I know that on this blog and if you've talked to me in person, this horse comes across as the ultimate asshole. It's been very un-fun to write about him here because I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship trying to justify to you and to myself (and my family) why I keep doing this. On good days, he's so good and sweet and perfect, I mean he just hits me sometimes and makes me hate myself and think I'm a terrible rider/horse owner. I'm sure every day you sign on to read this blog (if you still do, it's so painful to reread for me sometimes) and wonder whether my post is going to be about how the horse is showing me the true meaning of connection and elevation (he's seriously SO FUN) or whether I'm at my wits end with his physical or behavioral issues.

So throwing this new behavior into the "TC is an asshole" bin and sending him to a cowboy, or using it as the last straw to get rid of him, would be so easy. There goes TC again, Problem Horse(TM), back at it with a new naughty behavior.

Refusing to move when being told that he can
gallop around in the field with me
But I KNOW this horse. And I know horses in general. In all my years of riding and training, I've NEVER had an unprovoked, completely random change in the fundamental tendencies of a horse. Horses don't just change who they are just to be assholes. Because this horse LOVES his job and his go-to behavior for the last TWO YEARS is bolting, NOT rearing. He's reared only when I've blocked him from bolting, he's pumped full of adrenaline, and there's nowhere else to go. And that is a normal response for a dressage horse (never met a well built dressage horse who didn't rear now and again), he's built upright and uphill and rearing is easy for him. But it's not his go-to behavior. And to not only have the rearing suddenly start... the bolting (under saddle) has suddenly disappeared, as has his amazing work ethic. Suddenly. Without reason.

He's not a person. He's not thinking in his little pea brain "I bet rearing would get me out of doing work" or "I should abruptly stop bolting and start rearing, that would fuck with her." It makes more sense that he's got a pain issue that started in the first week and keeps getting worse. He NEVER pins his ears. Even when he goes to bite or kick (he doesn't like his sheath being touched but fuck him, I'm not paying a vet to sedate him to clean it so he thinks I'm rude and picks up his feet when I do it), his ears are forward or he's making that stupid look on his face.

To me, this just screams ulcers. The vet confirmed that he's at a ripe age/workload for ulcers.

I want so desperately to believe that the bolting problem all along has been ulcers, but I know better than to think that. But the reality is that it could have started as early as plucking him from his pasture and moving him to the east bay. Or it could have started when he was on bute and in the tiny stall at rehab. Or when he came home and started being worked. Or when he had the stifle injury and was on bute/had a drop in exercise levels. Or when I started riding him in the morning before breakfast (horses produce stomach acid 24/7). Or it could be that as our relationship has been cracking over the last year and a half, the ulcers have been slowly developing.

Where is my horse?!
The answer to those things is the same though- fix his lifestyle, treat the ulcers, prevent the ulcers from coming back. So he's been started on ulcerguard and then will switch to the pop rocks for additional treatment too.

I've also ordered aloe gel for him and we're hoping to move to a new paddock this weekend when trainer gets back and can help shuffle horses around. I'm still looking into more supplements for him, so please share any experiences you might have had with ulcers and what worked out for you.

Hopefully all of this works. If not then I have other plans that I hope I never have to tell you about. Fingers crossed (AGAIN, my fingers are getting sore after the last year of keeping them crossed) for TC.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Evaluating TC's Personality

While at Powell's in Portland over New Years, I found a section of books on horses! I got super excited. I owned a fair amount of the books I saw there, and a lot of them were either about breeding (nope), owning property (nope), or for beginners (despite what I might feel like sometimes, I am not a beginner). But what I did find, was the book "Ride the Right Horse" by Yvonne Barteau. And with a forward by Carol Lavell, rider/trainer of my favorite horse of all time Gifted, I couldn't NOT buy it.

This book
The book is essentially a personality guide for horses, with a bunch of mini case studies to accompany each section. The reference section was... lacking, but I'm willing to take anything I can at this point with TC. I want to understand him better and figure out how to train him better, even if the book has no real research to back it up. Anything at this point that gets me thinking in a different way might help us.

On the train and then on the plane, I read the sections that I was mostly interested in. And I'm going to use this post to walk you through the results. So this isn't a book review, but the fact that I'm talking about it on the blog means that I enjoyed it enough and probably recommend it. I probably wouldn't have paid full price for it, but I also hate paying full price for books.


The book breaks horses down into four personality types, and they can be mixed as well. These types are Social, Fearful, Aloof, and Challenging. The types present on a spectrum from passive to aggressive. For example, a horse can be aggressively or passively social, or aggressively or passively challenging.

Right away I knew that TC was absolutely not aloof or challenging. I wouldn't use those words to describe him at all. He LOVES people and horses and has never been standoffish in his life. And he's really not the sort of horse who has ever come up against me in his work (except recently, more on that tomorrow). Sometimes he plays rough with his people, but it's not in a mean way, it's in a "hey come play with me" way, even if sometimes it presents as him appearing to want to bite your face.

So social he doesn't care about food when I'm around
So I read the section on Social horses, Fearful horses, the Social-Fearful mix and the Fearful-Social mix (the one that comes first is the stronger one). I put the lists here and made notes on where TC falls on these.

Social Horses

Interaction: Want to observe and interact with the world. ** For sure, TC loves to be involved in everything. If he had his way, he'd come to work with me, shower with me, and sleep in my bed.

Need for personal space: Tolerant of people or other horses in their personal space. Appear almost welcoming. ** This is pretty accurate, TC doesn't mind if you get in his space and regularly welcomes himself into your space. BUT he can feel claustrophobic when he is scared.

Relationship to herd/humans: Rarely at the top of the pecking order, but often second or friend to the chief. ** TC hasn't been in a herd since he was young, but he was for sure not at the top, but that could have been due to age or how completely unathletic he was- he started being more dominant as he got stronger/older.

Vocalizing: Often more vocal than other personality types. ** TC is constantly screaming- he screams for me, he screams for other horses, he screams at anyone who looks like me, walks in the same direction as I usually do, or has food.

Adaptability: Generally accepting of new experiences. ** I wish they'd separate out new experiences brought on by the rider vs new experiences brought on by outside stimuli. TC is fine with new experiences if I introduce them to him- meaning if I ask him for a new movement or introduce an object to him, he's fine. If an object appears out of nowhere, he is NOT okay.

Reactiveness: Generally tend to underreact to a new stimulus; not usually explosive. ** Again let's separate by outside stimuli vs the rider/handler. He underreacts to new stimuli that I bring on. If I shake a plastic bag at him, he doesn't care. If a plastic bag floats around on its own, he is for sure going to be explosive. That's why I reluctantly call him a reactive horse- he IS, but not to the rider.

Attention Span: Attention span can be very short, especially in youngsters. May have trouble focusing on one thing in a busy environment. May leave own feed bucket to socialize. ** This is definitely TC. He does best in the arena when there are horses that aren't doing very much. He doesn't like being alone in the arena, but the other horses can't look like they're having more fun than him or he'll try to go join them and tune me out.

*there's a section on weaning, but I didn't know TC at weaning so I'm skipping it, I might ask his old owners about his weaning though.

Response to training: Once trained, are usually steady performers; will need occasional tune-ups on basic issues. ** I think this is true. Once as TC knows something, he almost never needs to have it drilled (though doesn't mind having it drilled), though he will get rusty and need a tune-up.

Lessons and routine: Appreciate variety in their lessons. ** TC gives no fucks about variety, he'd do fine with a completely regimented ride schedule. He doesn't mind variety though, and likes trail rides/the trail course/pole work. But I don't think he needs it.

Tolerance: Tend to be more tolerant of inept or poor handling than other types ** I haven't had anyone inept deal with him, but he does tend to deal with me mishandling him okay. Though I think he'd take advantage of someone who didn't know how to handle him once as he figured that out.

Happiest and most content: When allowed to interact with other horses, people, and the environment.


So TC is FOR SURE a social horse. Honestly if it wasn't his harsh reactions to things, I would have thought this book was way obvious. I know he's social. After reading more on the social horse, I'd classify him as pretty aggressively social. He wants to be in your space NOW and he wants to play with you NOW and he wants to go play with that other horse NOW and there's not much you can do to stop him when he's got playing/socializing on his mind.

Rico, on the other hand, is more passively social. He plays with other horses but doesn't seek it out all the time. He's okay on his own and would leave friends to go exploring with me. He is curious but doesn't get into trouble with new objects/things (vs TC who trotted over to a piece of plastic in turnout the other day, picked it up, and was hopping around flipping his face with it still in his mouth).

PLZ BE MY FRAND I NEED THEM
Fearful Horses

Interaction: Guarded or cautious, especially as youngsters. ** Nope. He's only cautious around new/spooky things, but I wouldn't call him an overly cautious horse. Certainly not with people.

Need for personal space: May indicate a need for more personal space than they have; may be somewhat claustrophobic when uncomfortable or confined ** That first bit isn't true, but YES claustrophobic describes TC to a t when he gets uncomfortable. If you crowd him or if he's scared of something, he will go through you to get away from it.

Relationship to herd/humans: Very dependent on social structure. Likely to bond with another horse or human. ** Yep, though I fail to see how this differs from a social horse because I don't quite know what she means about social structure. He likes his people, but I feel like he'd bond immediately with someone else if I were to sell him. It took him two seconds to bond to me. He definitely bonds to other horses- anyone who lives with him/near him, or has ever been ridden in the same ring with him, is instantly his BEST friend.

Vocalizing: Usually vocalize out of anxiety or loneliness, and upon the arrival, with or without food, of someone they have bonded with. ** Yah he whinnies at me all the time and will scream when he's by himself.

Adaptability: Not immediately at ease in new situations. ** Absolutely. He struggles even with riding in arenas he doesn't normally ride in even at his home barn. Like you can literally see your house from here, TC, it's okay.

Reactiveness: May have strong, quick, or reflexive-type reactions to stimuli or aids. Almost overreactive. ** YES this is how I'd describe him- strong and quick almost reflexive with his responses to OUTSIDE stimuli (again not the rider's aids). It's like he bolts first and thinks later.

Attention Span: Once comfortable, often have a long attention span. ** When this horse is on, he's on. He will focus on his walk-trot transitions for days and days if I have his mind with me. Doesn't seem to get bored with his work at all. He will get distracted of course, but when he's focused on me, almost nothing can distract him unless it's terrifying. 

Response to training: Once trained, usually make very strong efforts to comply. ** He loves to work and aims to please unless he's scared/upset/wants to bolt.

Lessons and routine: Prefer consistent, predictable routines; have trouble adjusting to multiple riders. ** He goes best when he is given a lot of freedom from aids- doesn't handle static on the aids and desires the lightest of light aids. I think that sensitivity makes it appear that he has trouble adjusting to other riders. He isn't bad with other riders or refuses to work for them, he just doesn't give them as good of work as he gives me (who is used to riding him/still blocks him but not as much as other people tend to do).

Tolerance: Not tolerant of poor treatment. ** I dunno, if you scare him or get too aggressive toward him, he will either run away from you or through you. But he's not completely intolerant of poor treatment (not that he's ever been treated poorly).

Happiest and most content: when in the reassuring presence of a stronger personality, either human or equine.


While I wouldn't say TC is classically fearful (they also mention fearful horses being poor eaters or stall walkers- nope), there are some elements there that stand out to me. I would call TC's flight response fairly aggressive. But he doesn't appear to be as scared as this book makes an aggressively fearful horse out to be. He happily drinks water in new places, eats every bit of food he has in front of him (he's not super food oriented but he does like his food), rests a foot for a lot of the day, and is not at all afraid of people, any people.

There's also no telling what his flight response would be if he had more ability to self-exercise or was a less powerful horse- sometimes I feel like his athleticism makes his responses a lot more extreme than he would if he were less athletic or could run around more during the day. So is he aggressively fearful or are his fearful responses just aggressive because of circumstances outside of his personality?

New things = terrifying
So this led me to the Social-Fearful mix. A horse who is primarily a social horse, but has some fearful tendencies. Let's look at what the author says about this horse. She both has some general thoughts and a case study about a horse she trained with these characteristics.

"When things are well in this horse's world, he will resemble any other social horse, but when stress or conflict arises, he will display fearful-type behavior."

Hey, that's my horse.

"He was a very athletic and talented horse, but too nervous under pressure to be suitable for any rigorous or top-level competitive work."

Hey, that's my horse (doesn't get nervous about rider pressure, but new places for sure)

"He was the kind of horse that made you feel badly if you walked by him or took care of him without some sort of interaction."

Hey, that's my horse.

"Most fearful horses are rarely offensive in their behavior. Almost everything they do is defensive or reflexive in its origin. I was not worried that he would hurt me."

Hey, that's my horse. I only fear for myself in that he won't realize he's going to hurt me.

"I urged him forward. He shot off in an almost hysterical gallop as if he were being chased by demons. I could have been anybody or no one on his back for all the attention he paid me."

Hey, that sounds familiar.

"As soon as our relationship under saddle was established, his social self came forward, and he became almost slavish in his desire to learn and work. I have never, before or since, worked with a horse that learned things so quickly and paid such rapt attention to his lessons."

YES THIS.

Fuck is this horse fun to ride, if only I could actually ride him
This horse she rated a social 4 (lower = passive, higher = aggressive) and fearful 9. I think TC is probably the opposite- more passively fearful (since he isn't afraid of his rider like this horse was- this horse basically had a panic attack being tacked up) and more aggressively social (since he was a lot more playful than this horse). But this is the only social-fearful mix she talked about.

The story ends with this horse, once too freaked out to be ridden in general, able to perform in a drill team type show under lights, surrounded by a massive crowd. She said the change took three and a half years and that the horse thrived on a one-on-one partnership situation. Interesting.


The book also included some information about rider personality and what works best. This is where bf really decided that the book was bullshit, as evidenced by this hilarious interaction on the plane.

Me: They're talking about rider personality now
Bf: Are they using the Big 5? (aka OCEAN- the only personality test that actually has research supporting it)
Me: No, Myers-Briggs
Bf: *eye roll so big I was afraid he'd lose his eyes out the back of his head* Myers-Briggs is really good at marketing itself
Me: That's such an INTJ thing to say (he does score INTJ on the MBI, so do I, I am also a Leo, which gives you a similar quality of information, pop science for you)
Bf: *dying a bit inside*

Maybe not the best personal relationship with this horse, but
hopefully we can work out a good working relationship
But again, not using this book as a research manual, more as just another way to interpret TC and my interactions.

The book made me realize that TC is really not quite the horse for me. I couldn't have known this when buying him, and I'm not going to go sell the horse because of it, but it shows me that it's not only his problem (duh, I mean it's for sure me too).

The book says that introverted people should avoid aggressively social horses, since those horses need a lot of social/emotional support that introverted people may struggle with. I for sure feel this. Sometimes I forget that TC needs lots of very loud praise- I have to tell him out loud and pet him a lot. Rico just needed a release of the aids. I spend time with TC, but it's not time interacting with him socially as much as it's just being around him. I brush him and pick his feet and tack him up and ride him and put him away. I don't fawn over him, play with him, take my time brushing him all over, or tell him how brilliant he is at all hours of the day. I think he'd like that a lot more.

The book also said that people who score high on Thinking (I score real high on that) should avoid aggressively fearful or social horses, again for the social support issue. I apparently need a horse who benefits from repetition, such as aloof or challenging horses. Great, you know, the two personality types my horse is not.
This guy on the other hand, is more passively
social and NOT AT ALL fearful so we got along well
It was an interesting read. There's not a lot of research done on equine personality (if you know of any journal articles, PLEASE tell me), so a lot of these books/websites just guess at it based on experience. But it really makes me think about TC and what he needs in life: social interaction with people and horses, and more confidence in himself.

Tomorrow I'm going to actually let you know what has been going on with this horse. I've sort of not talked about him in two weeks on this blog for a reason. But just based on reading this book, I can tell you that I'm FOR SURE going to be working with the barn to get TC into a large paddock in the next week or two, where he can have direct access to other horses. Later on this year, I might consider putting him back in a pasture.

I think this is very important for him. He had literally not sniffed another horse's nose in almost a year, and it's not healthy for him. His mental and physical health is suffering, and I'm unable to ride him (haven't been on him in over a week, haven't been able to work him in two weeks) at this time. This decision does mean that I could lose him to his suspensory injury (before you leap on me about not doing this earlier: this is going directly against my vet's recommendation for the severe tendon injury he suffered last year, it is not a decision I am taking lightly since I spent a LOT of money getting him sound from that damn injury), but I would rather take the chance of owning a horse I cannot ride due to injury than for sure own a horse I cannot ride due to behavior.

I'll let you know the other stuff we're doing to improve his life tomorrow, but I'm really glad that I picked up this book so that I could understand him a little more and so that I feel more validated in my decisions.