Not a Setback

I spoke once on this blog about fear, and I have never tried to hide that I suffer from fear at times in my riding. I ran into someone recently who expressed surprise that you could be an upper level rider and have fear issues. Yep. Probably less likely to happen if you're an upper level eventer. But at least for me, totally possible. 

He's actually just a beach ball 

I mentioned in my post about Sunday's ride that I was a bit concerned about my ability to stay on if he did something because I was so sleep deprived. After getting nine hours of sleep on Sunday night (and being on east coast time so still able to wake up early! Love coming west!), I headed out to the barn rather confidently on Monday morning. 

But that confidence went down a bit when I was leading TC out of his paddock and he leapt into the air. It went down further when all the horses around the barn started galloping around for breakfast. It went down even more when TC tried to join in with them when I got on him. And even further down when we walked over toward another horse who started exploding and TC became completely rigid. 

So cue nervousness that I haven't felt on him in a while. If that was a couple weeks ago, before I was away and before he had a week off, I would have probably just kicked him up and told him to get over it. Whatever, it's colder outside in the mornings because it's now fall. He can be an intimidating horse because he's not a little guy and he's pretty powerful (no one teach him how to buck please), but I feel confident that I can sit anything he throws me. 

Fear is weird, some days I will ride him on a loose
rein on the trails and then there are days like Monday

I went to give myself a hard time and make myself ride through it, but then I remembered earlier this year when I was going through a lot worse with him. I had a rule. Do not be on the horse unless you are confident. I was not confident. I got off.

I could have immediately taken this as a major major setback. I had just gotten off my horse because I was nervous for the first time in like... seven months?

But no, because thinking that it was a setback would for SURE make it a setback. I saw it all the time when I was teaching. People get nervous, then they get upset about being nervous, and turn it into a big deal. No. I like treating nerves like any other part of riding. I have a rogue left hand when I'm not paying attention, I have a tendency to get my knee over my block when horses get behind my leg, and I have some nerves that come out sometimes. It'd be stupid to think that my left hand coming to the inside of the ring was a major setback and that I should be ashamed of myself, it's just another part of my riding that could use some work. 

Knee coming over block and horse still struggling to left with
a slight lateral canter = harder work, not emotional response

We went into the round pen and I told myself, no big deal, longe until you feel comfortable. Then get on and ride in the round pen until you feel bored, then take him back in. 

So I longed him and worked on ground work until he was happily working (and the horses had been fed), then I got on. I was immediately bored. I still made myself trot around a bit. He was a little slow to my leg, which was fine (and actually desirable after he was such a nut). He was super well connected and steady. Everything felt great, quiet, but great. 

I looked out to the nearby arena and decided to go trot in there. Same rules apply: if I can't give him a confident ride, I go back in the round pen. I got in there and we trotted to the right first, our strong side. We stayed on a large circle at one end. Everything felt great. We cantered. It wasn't very good, but it was cantering! 

By the end of the ride, we were doing our loop on a loose rein and I started thinking about the differences in how I approached fear in myself now versus fear earlier this year. 

So much ground work this last winter (also he was
so dark a year ago)

Earlier this year I would have blamed myself for not being brave enough to ride my own horse, I would have used my Gold medal as a way to shame me into riding him through stuff that I didn't want to ride through, I would have felt horrible after a bad ride. Instead, this year, I told myself that it's okay to lose confidence after not riding for a while and that we were just going to start over. It doesn't matter how experienced you are, fear doesn't discriminate. And sure, experience helps with fear, but it can still come back. 

Dealing with it this way makes me feel excited to ride today and push a little further. If we take a week to recover from a week off, who cares? But if I had a bad ride that first day back when I was scared? And if I had dwelled on how bad it is that I'm fearful and an experienced rider? It'd definitely be taking longer than a week! As always, go slow to go fast. 

Except... is it time to put changes on yet? No? Ugh. Okay. Go slow to go fast.