Happiness is an interesting thing. I feel like if I were to go back and redo graduate school (nonono please don't make me), I'd maybe write my thesis on happiness. And then maybe I'd be done by now.
Throughout my entire life, happiness felt like it depended on being successful. In other words, I'm not very good at living in the moment. I get a serious one track mind and just go go go until I reach my goal, then set another one, often times before the first one is finished.
Successful when I was 12 years old meant being a C1 in pony club, since all my friends were taking it and I was merely a D3. If only I could be a C1, then I'd be happy, I'd be a C level pony clubber, and not a D, because being a D is basically a beginner.
Successful when I started riding Rico was getting to Second level. Because Second was a really cool level. I'd finally be happy when I could say that I was a Second level dressage rider. Being at First was so boring and at Second I would be riding big fancy medium trots and collected canter and all the cool stuff.
Successful when I had my Bronze medal and my B dressage rating was getting my A dressage rating and my Silver medal. There are lots of bronze medalists, and there are only three A dressage rated members in USPC. Being a Silver medalist meant that I was an FEI rider, I would get to wear a shadbelly. That's when I would be happy. When I could call myself an FEI rider.
Successful when I got my Silver and my A meant getting my Gold medal. I wanted all three medals, why not? And as Rico came back, successful meant training my own horse to my Gold medal. That's when I'd be happy, when I trained a horse from Training through Grand Prix.
And even now, successful means training TC, getting to Second, since it will be a tough road, then getting to Third/Fourth, because those are my favorite levels, getting to the FEI levels, to Grand Prix. Then getting another horse, a fancier horse, a horse I could do the FEI young horse stuff on, take to Grand Prix, fill in any holes I faced with TC. Then getting a CDI horse, to going to USDF Championships, competing internationally, going to the Olympics.
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| Success: Our Intermediare II debut, but I was thinking of GP by this point. |
Looking back over the years riding at every single level of dressage... was I really happier at each level. Surely if I were to be happier at every level, I must be the world's happiest person, right? If my level of happiness is dependent on my level of success, then my level of happiness should have increased with every level, every medal, every success. The best riders should be the happiest people in the world, right?
I guess I'm happier. But that can be attributed to other things. I'm no longer a teenager, my life is finally a bit steadier, my brain is done developing. But directly correlated with my success with horses? Well, no. I saw somewhere that the best part of having a PhD was when people found out you had one. I feel the same way about being an FEI/GP rider. Someone finds out that I am and they're impressed, cool, that makes me feel nice (like kids going "ooo" when I was teaching my client's mare to have more lift in her passage). Literally all other times, I generally feel the same way I felt when I was not at this level.
The thing about your happiness being dependent on your success, is that what it means to be successful will change over time and therefore you'll reach one goal and then set out new goal posts before you can really finally be happy. But this is kind of backwards.
The thing about being happy is that only 10% of our happiness is dependent on our life circumstances, so putting happiness on the other side of goal posts is quite bad for us. Curious? Watch this Ted talk by Dan Gilbert and this TedX talk by Shawn Anchor.
The thing about your happiness being dependent on your success, is that what it means to be successful will change over time and therefore you'll reach one goal and then set out new goal posts before you can really finally be happy. But this is kind of backwards.
The thing about being happy is that only 10% of our happiness is dependent on our life circumstances, so putting happiness on the other side of goal posts is quite bad for us. Curious? Watch this Ted talk by Dan Gilbert and this TedX talk by Shawn Anchor.
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| This graph is EXTREMELY accurate |
If happiness has little to do with how successful people are, why do we strive so much for success? Dan Gilbert said it- if we weren't convinced that we'd be happier if we were more successful, it would be hard to convince people to do anything.
I firmly believe that I'll be happier when I get further along in my career. When I'm more comfortable with the work, when I'm making enough to be at whatever barn I want to be at, to work with whatever trainer I want to work with, to buy a house (Silicon Valley prices, yo), to finally replace my poor saddle. And get a new bridle, and new boots, and a new jacket, and pretty show breeches. Looking at this objectively, I know this isn't true- none of that will make me happier, I'll probably be just as happy as I am now. But I want to believe that I will be happier, it keeps me going.
But horses? Well, I've got a young horse with a serious injury who likely will not be sellable for the amount I had initially planned, since it will always be a negotiation point on his price. That amount would enable me to purchase a very nice young horse who I could sell for even more and get my CDI horse. If a CDI horse is the ultimate thing that I want, I should bring TC back for as little money as I can, then unload him and take the money I wouldn't be spending on rehab/vet bills and put it into another cheap horse to start over with.
Obviously that was not my choice, as TC is at a moderately expensive rehab center and I've got an ultrasound coming up in mid Feb. But if success the only thing that will make me happy, and my goal is to ride at the CDI level... why would I keep this horse?
Clearly I am not completely motivated by success, and I don't think any of us truly are. So as I move forward with TC's rehab, it really gets me thinking about what I want out of horses. To be successful? Or to be happy? Or both? Which is more important?
I enjoy dressage, so I need a horse who is capable of doing dressage both physically and mentally. I'm careful about the horses I ride now that I have a choice. I don't like trail riding or jumping or piddling around enough to have a horse who absolutely requires that on a regular basis. I do like to trail ride and jump, but if I want to do dressage for 2 weeks straight, horse needs to be cool with that.
I need a horse who is comfortable with a certain level of pressure, since I don't enjoy having to walk on egg shells. Physically I need a horse who is capable of the work, whose conformation is at least not too much of a hindrance. But I've learned over the years (after having Rico who was built well for the job but not enthused about it) that the mind matters so much more.
I enjoy competing, so I need a horse who I can compete with and do okay with. This means having a horse who is moderately talented so that I'm not fighting against their natural way of going to try to force them into being a dressage horse. It means that I need a horse who can mentally handle shows, hauling to new places, doesn't get too worried (TC is not this horse yet...).
I like competing at the middle levels- Third through PSG- the best. The lower levels are a bit crowded and the upper levels are stressful. So that means that my horse needs to be at least capable of those levels eventually. I don't have to win but I do like scoring in the mid (to high) 60s.
I firmly believe that I'll be happier when I get further along in my career. When I'm more comfortable with the work, when I'm making enough to be at whatever barn I want to be at, to work with whatever trainer I want to work with, to buy a house (Silicon Valley prices, yo), to finally replace my poor saddle. And get a new bridle, and new boots, and a new jacket, and pretty show breeches. Looking at this objectively, I know this isn't true- none of that will make me happier, I'll probably be just as happy as I am now. But I want to believe that I will be happier, it keeps me going.
But horses? Well, I've got a young horse with a serious injury who likely will not be sellable for the amount I had initially planned, since it will always be a negotiation point on his price. That amount would enable me to purchase a very nice young horse who I could sell for even more and get my CDI horse. If a CDI horse is the ultimate thing that I want, I should bring TC back for as little money as I can, then unload him and take the money I wouldn't be spending on rehab/vet bills and put it into another cheap horse to start over with.
Obviously that was not my choice, as TC is at a moderately expensive rehab center and I've got an ultrasound coming up in mid Feb. But if success the only thing that will make me happy, and my goal is to ride at the CDI level... why would I keep this horse?
Clearly I am not completely motivated by success, and I don't think any of us truly are. So as I move forward with TC's rehab, it really gets me thinking about what I want out of horses. To be successful? Or to be happy? Or both? Which is more important?
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| I LOVE the way this horse feels in the bridle |
I need a horse who is comfortable with a certain level of pressure, since I don't enjoy having to walk on egg shells. Physically I need a horse who is capable of the work, whose conformation is at least not too much of a hindrance. But I've learned over the years (after having Rico who was built well for the job but not enthused about it) that the mind matters so much more.
I enjoy competing, so I need a horse who I can compete with and do okay with. This means having a horse who is moderately talented so that I'm not fighting against their natural way of going to try to force them into being a dressage horse. It means that I need a horse who can mentally handle shows, hauling to new places, doesn't get too worried (TC is not this horse yet...).
I like competing at the middle levels- Third through PSG- the best. The lower levels are a bit crowded and the upper levels are stressful. So that means that my horse needs to be at least capable of those levels eventually. I don't have to win but I do like scoring in the mid (to high) 60s.
Mostly though, I want a horse who is fun to ride, fun to train, fun to be around. I want to look forward to riding after work for the sake of riding, not for the sake of winning anything or earning medals. I don't want to feel like I have to drag myself out to the barn. That is the most important part to me.
TC fits all of these requirements. Even though he was kind of miserable to work with in the last few months due to his move, deep down I enjoy him immensely. He is capable of what I want to do both physically and mentally. We're going to struggle a bit with the canter, and we're going to struggle about with his baby brain, but deep down- he wants to try for me (so the canter WILL get better over time since he's on board) and he wants to be good.
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| Not the best canter ever- quite flat and a touch lateral |
I know it's rich of me, as someone who has already had a lot of success in dressage, to say that nothing is worth sacrificing the daily enjoyment of a horse. Meaning that working toward medals on a horse you don't enjoy simply because the horse is talented is not worth it. Because I did that, Rico is not a particularly fun horse. He was physically capable of the work, the reason why he did it for me. He didn't like to work, he didn't want to work, it was a struggle to even keep him moving sometimes. But I stuck with it and got my medals and... well, I can't say that I'm happier. Not because I'm unhappy I did it, but because success is only 10% of my happiness.
Obviously there is a line, and it's different for everyone. At what point do you sacrifice a bit of your current happiness for success down the line? Because working toward a goal is not always fun. Grad school wasn't that fun at times, riding Rico wasn't that fun at times, work isn't that fun at times. I'm glad I did it and I would do it all again, but if I had to choose part of my life to relive over and over again? It wouldn't be those moments.
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| I would relive this moment though |
You raise a lot of interesting points! For me, life and riding aren't necessarily about happiness or success, but about being the best me I can be. Being the best, most confident, kindest, most compassionate, honest, dedicated, gracious person I can be. And sometimes those things happen through success, and sometimes through the work it takes to get to success, and sometimes through failure. But if an experience somehow makes me more of my true, best self, then it's worthwhile. And happiness is often a side-effect of those experiences! I find the more I challenge myself to grow personally, even though 'growing pains' suck, the happier I am in general, no matter my circumstances.
ReplyDeleteThis is SUCH a good perspective, I need to take a leaf out of your book!
DeleteIt's good to sit and think about these things once in a while! I'm glad you brought it up in this post! Another way to look at it is "joy" vs. "happiness". Happiness is circumstantial, while joy is a deeper satisfaction with yourself and your life no matter what else is going on.
DeleteI wish I could be better living by being the best you can be = happiness! I am so with you Megan, I tend to always be pushing for more.
DeleteAlli, that's an interesting distinction between joy vs happiness, where one is fleeting and the other is a bit more permanent (hopefully). Like yah having a nice show horse and doing well at a high level gives me fleeting happiness when I achieve something, but spending time with horses in any way is what gives me joy.
DeleteKaitlyn it's a blessing and a curse! I feel good about my accomplishments but moving forward, I think for me it's time to sit back and make having low stress fun more of a priority after all these years of push push push.
I wish I had the maturity and insight you have when I was your age. I'm still trying to learn that success does not exactly equal happiness. It's a delicate balancing act, especially for ambitious people that want to accomplish a lot in life.
ReplyDeleteWell I'm almost 30, but yah I wish I had this sort of perspective even a couple of years ago. It's hard to shut down the ambition sometimes. I want to make sure that if I'm working hard at something, that it's something real, and not just an idea that I'll be happier afterward.
DeleteThat happiness/success chart- it explains everything, haha. It's something I've always known, but you've stated it so well. "I'll be happy if/when..." Except then after I achieve something I thought would make me happy, I end up putting it down in my head or making it amount to "you got lucky" or "someone else had a bad day, so that's why you won" or "you're regressing, you did better last time." I know that's another subject - feeling like you deserve what you achieved, but I find my happiness more hinged on that.
ReplyDeleteI suppose it's quite similar to when I was riding intro/training level and all I wanted was to ride First Level. Then oooo, we're going to try out Second Level! Then man, we're riding at 3rd! Now that I've been to 3rd and know how difficult the step up to 3rd is, I'm finding myself daunted by PSG and up. Sorry, I'm finding myself rambling. I wonder if I'll feel successful if I ever find myself with a gold medal and a grand prix horse? I sure as hell will be happy for a while, but I know I'll be thinking, "Well now what do I do?"
Your second paragraph is exactly what I was thinking when I took to writing this thing!
DeleteSure, I feel accomplished after my gold (though yah like you said- I wonder if I got lucky, if the judge was just too nice, if Rico was too easy, and mostly if I'm capable of ever going there again). But happier? Nah. So then it makes me question why I put all these lofty goals in front of me if I won't be happier when I reach them. What's the point of sacrificing all that I do for it? And then I start thinking, but is the point to life being happy? Since there are lots of things that make me happy that I don't do (like eat a large chocolate cake every day).
It definitely gets me thinking a lot. I wish my brain didn't think about things like this! But I'm glad I have a blog to dump it all out in.
Your second paragraph totally hits the nail on the head for me...i struggle with this and find myself getting really down and out because im always looking for what is next so dont always enjoy what I have in the moment or the level where I am. I am trying really hard this year to focus on that
DeleteI'm glad! I need to be reminded of these things too, hence the post. I really should have had this shoved in my face a few years ago though!
ReplyDeleteIt can be very hard to enjoy what's happening in the moment, instead of looking on to the next thing.
ReplyDeleteYah I'm reallllly bad at doing this, things to work on I guess!
DeleteI know success doesn't buy happiness, but for me the process of getting to a success (the project to work on) is enjoyable. I'm incredibly lazy; if I don't have a goal, I won't work very hard at getting anything done. And while sitting on the couch may be enjoyable at the time and I might be happy right then, when I look back on my life, it's not the times I watched TV that bring me fond memories. It's the time I went riding in Yosemite with my husband or the time I won a schooling show with a mule I trained myself.
ReplyDeleteI also wanna call bullshit on all those who argue that money doesn't buy happiness. The people who say this are never poor people. They're upper middle class people who don't have to worry about where they're going to live next month or how they're going to buy their next car. They can afford health care and vacations. It may not buy you happiness, but money can certainly buy you the things that make you happy. Horses aren't free, trainers aren't cheap, tack that actually fits isn't cheap either. Yes, I could be happy in a life that didn't have horses, but that's not the life I want. I lived that life out of college and I am definitely happier now.
Yah they say that money buys happiness up to a certain point. I remember a study that called that point $70,000/year, but I think that depends on where you live. Since in SF, a one bedroom apartment can run you $3,500/month, which is basically ALL of a $70k/year salary anyway- no room for ponies.
DeleteBut I totally agree- money buys happiness to an extent. I feel like unlimited money would only make me mildly happier at this point though. Just because I have my horse and I live in a nice safe apartment. The only things missing are owning a home (but I don't think I'd be toooo much happier since there are stressors of home ownership that I don't experience now) and maybe being able to show more or take more lessons. Extravagant travel isn't very high up on my list, I prefer camping.
I'm really bad at enjoying the process of getting to a goal, I need to work on that a bit more!
I saw that same 70k study. Maybe 70k is good in like the middle of nowhere or the south, but not around here or where I grew up (PA/NJ). I know a lot of mil/billionaires aren't happy, so maybe unlimited funds aren't necessary, but enough $ to afford some expensive things like horses and houses certainly help.
DeleteYah seriously! The prices around here are outrageous, I hate that I like it so much here. When I think of what my salary could do in the middle of the country... well, I wouldn't be able to get this type of job out there anyway.
DeleteI live in the middle of nowhere and in the south. My cost of living (in a remote coastal resort area) is comparable with when I lived in NYC - so those criteria don't always apply.
DeleteAlso - the cost of living can be lower generally, but if there's not employment you qualify for or can stand doing, then a cheaper place to live may still be out of reach.
Yah that's what keeps me here- there are a TON of really well paying jobs in my industry, and my career should set me up well for staying here.
DeleteThat's interesting that the cost of living is comparable, I really wouldn't have guessed. Even looking between where I live now and moving an hour south (where I'd like to end up), I have to tack on $400-600/mo to my rent to get a comparable place. And moving to SF would literally double my rent for a comparable place. Luckily I like being out toward the country and don't mind a commute :)
Coasts tend to be more expensive. But I've looked at housing prices in other parts of the country (as part of my plan to move ASAP) and I know it's significantly cheaper in the south and the middle of nowhere. I lived for a while in a small town where I paid $700 for a two bedroom apt. And it was really nice, not a craphole. I now live where it would cost 3-4k for such an apartment. I worked for many years in the middle of nowhere in upstate NY and houses with hundreds of acres cost less than $200k.
DeleteGirl you and me both :) Your posts seem weirdly close to mine! You got this and stinker does too!
ReplyDeleteCant like this post enough! Really hits home for me...
ReplyDeleteIt was a long time coming for me too. I worked soo hard in 2013/2014 where I became so blinded by the desire to be successful. And even this summer thinking that when I finally graduated/got a job/moved/bought TC that I'd finally be happy and... I was about the same (actually LESS happy for a while I think because I was expecting to be so happy that when I wasn't, I felt unhappy). Life is crazy.
DeleteI love this post, Megan, and I hope you don't mind if I take it and run with it myself. Talking about "happiness" can generate interesting conversation. I was JUST talking about this with a friend. Her life partner is someone that I have to deal with a lot, but she's a really negative person and is seemingly NEVER happy. I tend to be a Pollyanna myself which aggravates negative people to no end - the life partner included.
ReplyDeleteWhile some personalities are probably just happier in general, I definitely think age and experience can play a factor (for the good or the bad). I almost 20 years older than you, but somewhere along the way I learned that happiness (for me anyway) doesn't come with achievement or things. Somewhere in my 20s, I learned (for myself) happiness has to come from within, and if I am not happy, it's up to me to fix whatever's wrong. I need to maake a change, do something different, but get UN-unhappy quickly - the sooner the better. :0)
That'd be great! I'm really interested to hear everyone's opinions on it.
DeleteYah I can't do negative people (too positive can be a bit obnoxious too though). It takes work to stay positive, but like you said, I think it does have something to do with personality/brain chemistry. Some people are just programmed happier than others.
It's good to know that it gets easier with age! I definitely feel that between my teenage years and now as 30 sneaks up on me. Things that I wanted so badly back then don't matter AT ALL now. And it makes me wonder what 40 year old Megan will roll her eyes at about 30 year old Megan. Life is definitely interesting!
I was a very overachieving/high drive student all through highschool/college.
ReplyDeleteAnd then I realized that basically I was just getting the same things everyone else was, but faster. And I didn't really want to be fast tracked to debts, kids, and divorces.
So I stopped. I'm probably "under achieving" in terms of earning potential and career, but I do things because I like them, not because I should. Beyond the ability to keep a horse and show a little, I don't really care to have a lot of money. It would be nice, but the trade off in terms of time and mental health just isn't worth it to me right now.
I have enough. And that is all I need.
Totally⇧
DeleteThe education I worked so long and hard for won't earn me a living in the beautiful place I choose to live. I work with my hands instead, can afford my farm and a horse. That's enough. More things bring more responsibility and more worry.
Oh wow I was the opposite! I underachieved through school, took way too long to finish college, chose horses as a career because I wanted to ride more than I wanted to do anything else. Now I feel like I'm playing catch up with everyone! But I've learned not to force the situation.
DeleteAnd yah I'm not as much motivated by money as I am by the freedom that money provides. I don't need to travel all over the world, I don't need a brand new custom saddle, I don't need to buy a fancy house in an expensive location. I just want a horse and I want to be able to take lessons with a good trainer and board at a barn that I don't hate. And show a bit.
Not that I'd actively refuse the money to do all the big fancy stuff, but it's not a huge motivator for me (my main financial motivation is not being able to buy a house here without a ton of money, luckily I love my job).
excellent post, and incredibly timely for me too, as i literally just had a similar conversation with my mother over dinner tonight. "At what point do you sacrifice a bit of your current happiness for success down the line?" --> this is weighing on me incredibly heavily right now as i consider a job opportunity that could mean big things later, but would totally change my lifestyle now, including completely changing how i interface with horses (the thing that makes me happiest)...
ReplyDeleteOh wow that's a hard decision. I don't look forward to having to make decisions like that in my career.
DeleteOne of my favorite things about my current job is that I have flexible hours and a laid back boss where I can run off to ride or to go visit TC in rehab early and no one gets on my case about it. I know that I'll eventually need to move on so that I can learn more and move up a bit... but I really love having the flexibility that I have here! But I guess that's how life works.
Awesome, though-provoking post. I like talking to my mom about your story a lot. I have hindered a lot of my happiness lately to be successful. I just had a breakdown last night about it. I haven't been able to enjoy the things I love anymore. I am always worried about what people think of me but I have to get over that. Barnmate can be pissed because I couldn't clean stalls, but that doesn't mean I won't be out the next day to ride my horse and enjoy him. I hate feeling like people are watching me and wanting me to react. But I really truely loved this post. Great job
ReplyDeleteI don't know how I missed this post, and I definitely clicks it on your side bar on a whim. I constantly feel like I'm battling with striving for more, and being happy.
ReplyDelete